Animal Crossing Spoof
by sinister laugh
Summary: Chapter 10. Its Black Friday, Lyle tries to sell Oliver Armageddon insurance, Jerry Seinfeld waits in line 9 hours for good prices on skittles, Eloise eats the pizza man, Oliver has a Cat Thanks Giving, a cranky old man sells Oliver a puppet and much more
1. A day in Doodaloo

Animal Crossing?

(AN: I do not own any of the characters except Oliver. But, other characters of mine might be introduced later on in the story. ENJOY!)

In our spoof, of Animal Crossing, our main character is Oliver. He is not an animal, he's a human instead. And he moved to the town Doodaloo (AN: my town…). He thought that moving to a town like Doodaloo would help him to escape reality. He's a dreamer and always got in trouble for daydreaming back in his old country (AN: Romania). Like the time when he got in trouble for driving a bus and started to daydream while he was driving and…well, lets just say now he's on the lamb…when he moved to this "magical" place were animals walked and talked there'd be no more daydreaming because he wouldn't be bored with every day life anymore…boy was he wrong heh heh…

We start out our story on the nonstop train to Doodaloo. Oliver fell asleep about two minuets after he got on. (AN: Hitchhiking all the way from Romania to some place in the middle of no were to catch a mysterious train to a place he never heard of until he read a travel brochure at the train station is very tiring.) While he sits in his chair snoring, an annoying cat named Rodger comes out of the laboratory on the train and decides to throw peanuts into Oliver's mouth while he slept.

"Hee hee", Rodger looks around quickly before he throws another peanut into Oliver's mouth which causes Rodger to wake up and choke.

"CAHCCCHCKCKCCAC ACACKCKCAFFACAC!" Oliver starts to wave his hands around wildly.

"OH MY GOSH! Nee deep! HES CHOKING!" Rodger, thinking that he's helping Oliver throws a glass of water in Olivers face. BREEETHE! LIIIIIIVE AGAIN! Rodger starts to shake Olivers face.

Oliver swallows the peanuts, and then shoves Rodger off. "WHAT THE HELL? YOU GOT A PROBLEM BUDDY?"

"Wow gee golly I sure am glad you're alive, did you like your peanuts? I thought you'd be hungry. Were you from? WOW! YOU'RE HEADS HUGE! Why does it smell like butt in here? Were do you- Oliver grabs Rodger's throat and starts to choke him.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" He continues to choke Rodger until Rodgers face turns red and let's go.

"THAT WAS COOL! My face turned red because you were choking me and I was waving my hands around and you didn't stop for a long time and-

"Ok, just shut up"

"Alright you got it buddy" Rodger gets shifty eyes "so…were you going?"

Oliver stares at the window "Doodaloo"

"Doodaloo huh? Well I've been there so many times, great place, my kind of town."

"Why are you talking to me after you choked me?"

"Well, I am just trying to be nice, your gonna be one of the firsts humans to live in Doodaloo. I have to warn you though, strange things happen in that town."

Oliver than thought to himself "not as strange as you, you fat freak…" the train suddenly came to a stop.

"GET OFF THE FREAKIN TRAIN" the monkey screamed. Oliver quickly dashed off the train as Rodger began talking again. He turns around and saw the train leaving, as Roger was chatting away… to no one… Oliver slowly gazes at his surrounding as he walks down the steps, suddenly bumping into Tom Nook.

"What the heck was that for?" the Raccoon shouted.

"I'm sorry sir I didn't-

"LISTEN UP! Do you know who you bumped into? HUH? DO YOU?"

"Well no I just arrived-

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" Two other raccoons step out from behind Tom Nook carrying Tommy guns. "Ever heard of the "Nooks" ya little sucker?"

"N-no, no sir I haven't"

"That's what I thought…stupid kid. TEL YA WHAT? Let's get a little thing straight." The other raccoons cock their machine guns. "No one touches the nook, last time some one poked me, they ended up swimming at the bottom of Big Bear Lake wearing cement shoes, that's their statue over there!

Oliver looks to the left and people are laying flowers next to a statue of Tortimor.

Tom nook gets in Olivers face, "HUH? WELL, DO YA!"

"Ok-ok-ok I get it!"

Tom nook sees Copper come around the corner and starts to act civilized. "Any ways sir, you can buy one of these small low income houses for a very cheap price!" Tom Nooks goons push Oliver to the square of empty houses that are all empty for some reason (AN: wonder why? (Hee hee) "Would you like to look inside?"

Copper starts to stare at them, and one of Tom Nooks goons say to Oliver, "Do it, do it!"

Oliver slowly and nervously nods and opens the door. Inside he sees that the flooring is cobble stone with many cracks, spider webs everywhere, an old radio with missing buttons and a missing antenna, and half alive cockroaches, who even could barley, stand to live in the filth. Oliver then turns around with a sick look on his face and Tom Nooks goons then rapidly nod their heads.

"I like… ugh it" Oliver choked

"Excellent! You may have it for 20,000 bells! Now give me the money!"

"I um… well I don't really have any bells"

"Well ya can work it off; your payment is 1000 bells a month. If you're late on your payment, ill send the Raccoon goons after you LOL!" …he looks around then whispers "seriously"

Oliver then nods as Tom and his goons walk away to their store. He then slowly follows, looking at his surroundings as he walks. He sees many animals looking through the bushes… giggling… and gawking… and staring… freaks…

Tom peeks out of the window and sees Copper is gone, he then screams at Oliver.

"YO! LOSER! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!" he shouted. Oliver then quickened his passé and hurried inside. As he walks inside, he looks at the dozens of raccoons inside the store called "Nooks Cranny". Everywhere inside he sees items like furniture, flowers, and more junk that Oliver thinks were stolen from people. It smells like Pasta everywhere in the store and the smell starts to make Oliver hungry.

"First… I want you to plant flowers AROUND THIS FREAKIN DUMP! YOUR GONNA DO IT! AND YOUR GONNA DO IT RIGHT YOU UNDERSTAND? DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"Yes sir." Oliver grabs the flowers and heads outside. He begins to mumble to himself. "Ill show you plant flowers you ugly freak. Freaking son-of-a-gun" he then begins to throw the pots on the roof, which makes the idiot raccoons inside, think that their under attack. A loud siren goes off and Tom slams the door shut. "…morons" Oliver muttered.

A raccoon goon sticks his head out of the window and screams, "GINO! IT'S THE BERTOLIES!" a flower pot lands on his head, "THEY GOT FLOWERS!" all of them put up the bullet proof window covers and go in hiding while Oliver continues to laugh until he felt like passing out. After an hour Tom Nook opens the door and expects to see Oliver pumped full of…gardening tools but sees him alive.

"KID! HOWD YOU SURVIVE?"

"Survive? …I talked to the… people and told em to leave you alone!"

"Wow!" … "I guess I underestimated your capabilities kid." Tell you what, ill let you have your house upgraded to the fullest extent, and furnish it with you only paying 10,000 bells, if you help out our business?"

"Well ok, what do I have to do?"

"Little chores like delivering crap were too busy taking care of other business"…

"Yeah ok, sounds good to me…"

All the raccoons get into a limousine before Tom Nook turns around and says, "Oh yeah, and run the business completely, bye!" Then the limo speeds off.

"Wow, what a moron!" says a voice from behind Oliver. Oliver turns around and sees Stinky the cat.

"Who are you?" Oliver pondered.

"Stinky! What about you?"

"er-Im Oliver. Nice to meet you… Stinky" Oliver stared at the colored underwear on Stinky's head. "Why do you have underwear on your head?"

Stinky begins to laugh hysterically, "THIS AINT UNDERWEAR! It's a wrestling mask!"

"Wrestling mask? You Wrestle?"

"Why YES! Would you like to see?" Stinky grinned widely as two other cats came out of the bushes. Kiki and Kitty.

"Uhh well sure!" Stinky then tackled Oliver and started pinning him down. Oliver started screaming in pain, and squirming to get away.

"I'm really not that good at this, I'm still learning!"

"STILL LEARNING? GET OFF OF ME YOU DANG CAT!" The two other cats giggled and stared at Stinky and Oliver. "YOUR GONNA BREAK MY BACK GET OFF ME STUPID!"

Stinky gets off and backs away. "Pretty swell huh?"

Oliver lies on the ground in pain. "Oh yeah… swell… sure" He then gets up and dusts himself off.

"Hey Oliver, how about you go with me and say hi to the other animals in the town? Ill help you get acquainted!"

"Sounds like a plan" Oliver panted.

"Well first off this is Kitty, and Kiki."

"Hi, I'm Oliver."

Kitty stiffly looks over at him and says "…Hi…"

Kiki widely smiles and gives Oliver a tiny wave. "Hello"

Oliver scoots over to Stinky and whispers "What's her problem?"

"I don't know, HEY KITTY! OLIVER WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THE HELLS YOUR PROBLEM?

"…nothing…"

Stinky leans over to Oliver and whispers "I think she likes you!"

Oliver gets shifty eyes and backs up two inches. "…Okay."

Stinky drags Oliver through the town and shows him the rest of the animals to Oliver. "This is Eloise the Elephant, that's Peanut the squirrel, and this is Hugh the Pig! Heh heh."

"Ah, good evening" Oliver smiled.

They all stare at him like trains are flying around his head then continue to do what they were doing before.

"So, how do you like your neighbors?"

"They are unfriendly… just the way I like it!"

"Well you just need to talk to them, oh yeah, I forgot to mention, if you do chores for them, you can get great rewards!"

"Why the hell would I want to do that?"

Hugh walks up to stinky and says "Do you got my shoes that peanut borrowed?

"Yup!" stinky hands the shoes to Hugh and Hugh hands stinky a check for 1,000,000 bells. "That's why!" Stinky kisses the check.

"Holy- Oliver then gets hit with a rock. "…who threw that?" Oliver turned around and saw two little eyes staring at him… along with giggling. "Who is in those bushes?"

Stinky leans over to Oliver "kitty"

"KITTY? WHY WOULD SHE THROW A ROCK AT ME?"

"She…likes you?"

"NO SHE DOESN'T! AND ILL PROOVE IT!" Oliver runs over to the bush and grabs them by the shirt, pulling them out quickly. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?" Oliver then realizes it was Kitty in the bushes… and his eye pupils get real tiny.

Kitty stares at him and swallows her spit "…mrowwer?"

"MROWWER? WHAT?" Oliver drops kitty on the ground. "You're not making sense!"

Kitty gets embarrassed, climbs up a tree and eats a bird, then runs off into the forest.

"I don't get it at all…" Oliver still had tiny pupils.

Stinky is building a mansion, "Me neither! ...my workers all quit, and I don't try to hire more…" he continues to hammer.

"Do you think I can stay at your house or maybe someone else's house tonight? MY HOUSE SUCKS!"

"Well how bout you stay at Hugh's house?"

"…Hugh is a weirdo…"

"He isn't that bad! ...ok you can stay with me as soon as I finish building my house, go work until I am done."

Oliver runs off to Eloise's house. "YO! ELO-FREAK! GIMMIE SOMETHING TO DO" Oliver shouted and threw a rock, smashing her window.

"Heh, yeah ill give ya something to do…" Eloise looked around quickly. "Go get my video from… Kitty"

"Oh hell no-

"If you do, ill give you 1,000,000 bells! I love that video, no one else will get it and you're my last hope… please….?"

"1,000,000 bells? You got it" Oliver then dashed down the road.

Eloise whispers "cerher…sucker"

Oliver soon arrives at Kitty's house

Kitty stares at Oliver "HI OLIVER! HOW YOU DOING?"

"I am ok, listen Eloise wants her video tape back… Do you have it?"

Kitty smiles, actually I lent it to Peanut!

"Erm I guess ill go get it then, thanks anyways!"

He runs to peanuts house to see Peanut throwing bologna at her own house for some reason.

"Peanut… I need Eloise's video tape back!"

"Well, actually I gave it to Hugh, while you're over there; tell him I want my snot rag and my underwear back."

Oliver sighed and ran to Hugh's house.

"Hugh… please tell me you have Eloise's video tape!"

"Actually, I gave it back to Kitty like… three minuets ago, said she needed it. Oh and here is peanuts underwear,(he takes them off) ask her if I can keep the snot rag for me."

Oliver freaked and tossed the panties away from him. He then walked slowly to kitty's house… knowing… something… is going to happen.

"OH hi Oliver!" kitty waves at Oliver

"Hi Kitty, I understand that you have the video tape?"

Kitty smiles widely "Why YES I DO!"

"Can (clears throat) I have it back please?"

Kitty holds it out, "sure but first can you" – Oliver snatches it and runs. "Paint my roof?"

"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD" Oliver screams and runs to Eloise's house. "HERE! HERES YOUR FRINKEN TAPE! TAKE IT!"

Eloise takes the video and hands over Oliver the money. Oliver runs back to Stinky's house.

"Stinky! Please tell me you're almost done with the freaking house!"

Stinky wipes his sweat away. "Yup, I built this kind of fast, so it's not too impressive" Stinky shows Oliver a two story estate. "heh? Heh?"

Oliver looked it up and down, thinking what a piece of junk it was, yet he just nodded and agreed. He quickly went into the house and saw almost the whole neighborhood, playing cards and gossiping.

"WHY ARE THEY IN HERE?"

"It's poker night!" Stinky pats Oliver on the back. "We don't know how to play, but we like to try!"

Hugh turns to stinky and starts to freak out. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERED BE SNACKS!"

"There…in…the…aww nuts…" Stinky quickly ran to the phone and ordered Dominoes.

Oliver looked around at everyone, while they stared directly at him. Someone then shouted "You gonna gossip or play?"

"I think I'll go to my room" Oliver slowly murmured with a nervous look. He walked carefully down the hallway and into a random room.

Stinky turns around quickly when Oliver steps into the room. "WOAH! Heh heh wrong room"

"What? Wait oh ok sorry"

The next room has a plaque on the door that says in bold letters: OLIVER'S ROOM.

"Hey oh I see, you dedicated this… plaque card to me!"

"No you idiot that room is yours!"

Oliver backed up into the room and slammed the door. Not too long falling asleep to a song called K.K. indigestion. (AN: can you imagine what that sounds like?) He woke up about ten minutes later, hearing a noise from outside. He stood up and saw a pair of eyes peeping in the window.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Tom nook almost falls off his ladder and says shh to Oliver. "What the hell are you screaming for? I haven't even seen you dress yet!"

Stinky sticks his head out of the other window and looks at Tom Nook. … "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FAGGOT!"

Tom Nook quickly slides down the ladder and runs into the forest, not too long later Kitty steals the ladder he left behind and bides her time in the bushes. Oliver opens the window and sticks his head out. Looking over at Stinky, he asks if Tom Nook is a registered… well… "Predator." Stinky shrugs and goes back to bed, and so does Oliver.


	2. The Faceless Feline

The Faceless Feline

(AN: ok, I need you guys to do me a favor, tell me if you like stories in RP style, or regular style. I think I got the question is Stinky a dude or a girl, Stinky is a dude. And also, if you guys have any suggestions on how to make this funnier, just say so! Thanks. Oh yeah and BTW, ill take your suggestion and put them in the story lol, only if you want me to though.)

In the morning, the 6 o'clock train pulls in as Oliver stands near the conductor. The door opens quickly and two cats are shoved off the train. Rodger, and some white cat, we'll learn her name later.

"Oliver!" Roger runs up to him and gives him a hug. "Oh thank god you're here; you gotta get me away from this girl she won't shut up. Please, let's get out of here quick."

"What do you mean I talk too much? You're so rude." She crossed her arms as her back was turned.

"You won't shut up! JUST SHUT UP!"

"Why do you wanna hurt my feelings?" She turns around and… well…

"WOAH! YOU'RE FACE!" Oliver shouted and pointed.

"My face? You like it?" the cat posed.

"No, it's gone!"

"What? IT'S GONE! MY FACE IS GONE?" She felt for her face and ran in a big circle.

Rodger then lean over to Oliver and whispered "how she is still talking, we will never know." Oliver looked on the train and saw her face still talking in one of the seats.

"YOU TALKED YOUR FACE OFF!"

"Oh my gosh I did? I never knew that was possible!"

"It was ugly anyways" Rodger giggled.

"Shut up you… Blue… thing" The white cat cried.

"Relax, ill just go on the train and"-the train rolls away.

"aww shoot, OH WELL! NOW LET'S GO BEFORE SHE FOLLOWS US!"

"We can't just leave her here Rodger."

"Yes we can, she's creepy, annoying, and now she's a freak with no face!"

"I have an idea, let's draw me a face!" The Cat took out a pen from her purse and handed it to Oliver. "Please?"

Rodger lean in and whispered to Oliver. "Careful, she's mean, mean as a snake."

"Aww come on" Oliver walked over to her "She can't be THAT mean" The cat grabs Oliver's wrist and twists it back. "YOU BETTER DRAW ME A FACE THAT LOOKS PRETTY OR IM GONNA SHOVE MY FOOT IN YOUR-Oliver starts screaming.

"DON'T HURT ME PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"DRAW ME THE GOSH DANG FACE!"

"NO!"

"DO IT!"

Oliver took the pen and draws a hairy butt on her. "There! Theres your face"

"Wow! It looks the same as when I first met her!" Rodger had shifty eyes. Oliver began to giggle and back up, getting ready to run. "Oliver, on the count of three…"

"Wow, you must have done a nice job Hun" The cat posed again.

"One…"

"I want to thank you for drawing me this face"

"Two…"

"Let me give you some money"

"THREE!" Oliver and Rodger ran into each other and then ran in the same direction screaming. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" They ran all the way to Stinky's house, where he was chatting with a kangaroo. (AN: you reviewed, you got it EN GEN NERO!)

"Stinky we just drew a butt on this one girls face!" Oliver said between laughs.

"Yeah that's great kid" Stinky waved his hand and continued talking to the kangaroo.

. "ANYWAYS, like I said, girls can't wrestle!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN GIRLS CANT WRESTLE?" shouted Astrid the kangaroo.

"What do you think I mean?"

"They can too wrestle; I won two tournaments this year."

"Proof it"

"You wanna wrestle?"

"BRING IT YOU STUPID KANGAROO!"

Astrid tackled Stinky and pinned him down as Stinky began to whimper. Oliver jumped and shouted. "Come on Stinky! You can do better! Kick that Kangaroo's butt!" Stinky rolled over and pinned Astrid down. Astrid flipped over and kicked Stinky off, Stinky flew and brow through his own window.

"…told you girls can wrestle…"

"Wow, you totally killed him."

"You think he's ok?"

"ehh, he'll be fine… Right Stinky?" Oliver looked up at the window but there was no answer. "…Stinky?"

"Uhh Oliver, here comes that faceless cat, lets get out of here please." Rodger was panicking. "Please Oliver, I don't wanna talk to her again, and she's gonna kill you for drawing that butt on her face." Oliver ran to the bushes and jumped in them, hearing a cat screech. "GET OFF MY TAIL!"

"…Kitty? What are you doing in the bushes?"

"Spying on you"

"SPYING ON ME" Oliver became very nervous. "STOP SPYING ON ME"

"Why? You're so cute!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Oliver ran as Bianca (the faceless cat) uncovered the bushes screaming "YOU MADE MY FACE LOOK LIKE A BUTT! COME BACK HERE!" kitty turned and looked at Bianca's face. She then gagged and puked on Bianca. Oliver turned around and quietly said "You can't be serious." Bianca then began to fight with kitty. Rodger started shouting and hooting "CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT!"

"Rodger, RUN!" Oliver ran with Rodger close behind. They heard Bianca in the background shouting and screeching "ILL FIND YOU OLIVER! I WILL FIND YOU!"

Soon enough, they got away. Hiding in a tree, they began to talk about how to go to Stinky's house, without getting caught by Bianca.

"How bout, we catch a train, and go to the next town over?"

"We can't do that, I just moved here. Besides, you just got kicked off the train. God dang it, why does this always happen to me?"

"Maybe because you're a human…"

"gahhh…"

"Perhaps you'll have better luck if you get to know more of the animals."

Behind a tree (AN: Oliver and Rodger don't know she's there) is Bianca, waiting for them to come down and draw her a new face.

"tch, yeah right, they probably don't even like me."

"…I like you"

Oliver stared at Rodger and scooted over a couple inches and continued staring. (Wind blows as Rodger slowly smiles)

"…"

"…Anyways, you need to be more social, instead of you know, screaming and running away from people. Like how you went to your room on poker night, and how you freak out whenever kitty is around you. Why do you do that anyways? Girl shy?"

"NO! She's a cat, and I am a human."

"So?"

"SO? If you think about it, what would our children look like?"

"A human with a fuzzy tail and ears! It'd look cute."

"Oh shut up-Bianca grabs Oliver's foot.

"MY FACE! YOU RUINED MY FACE! "

"Shut up, you didn't even have a face when I met you so how did I ruin it."

"YOU DREW A NASTY HAIRY BUTT ON MY FREAKN FACE! YOU DON'T THINK YOU RUINED MY GOOD LOOKS?"

"RUN FOR YOU LIFE!" Rodger jumped down and ran away… far away…

"IM GONNA SKINN YOU AND MAKE SURE YOUR FACE IS PUT ON MINE!" Oliver kicks her in the mouth and ran to the closest house, Kiki's house.


	3. The Resetti's

The Resetti's

(AN: tell me what you think of this style my peeps!)

Oliver: (shakes Kiki's door handle) OPEN THE FEAKIN DOOR! OPEN IT! IM GONNA DIE IF YOU DON'T!

Kiki: (opens her door) what's wrong Oliver?

Oliver: (pushes his way inside and slams the door) the-the cat! She's going to kill me!

Kiki: what do you mean?

Oliver: that cat outside, she wants to kill me!

Kiki: why? What did you do?

Oliver: I drew a butt on her face because she hurt my wrist.

Kiki: well I would want to kill you if you did that to me too Oliver.

Oliver: I know, I wasn't thinking please don't make me go outside.

Bianca: (scratching her claws against the door) OLIVER LET ME INSIDE IM GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T!

Kiki: see? She's not going to kill you.

Oliver: ARE YOU A COMPLETE IDIOT? (Grabs Kiki by her shirt and shakes her violently) SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME, NO MATTER WHAT!

Kiki: please don't yell (lowers her ears.)

Oliver: (shakes his head and frowns) I'm… I'm sorry…

Kiki: Good, now get out before I call the cops.

Oliver: please don't make me leave.

Kiki: well fine, but behave, I have guests… please (turns around and walks over to kitty, who is sitting in her chair, along with Rodger and Astrid.)

Oliver: (thinking: oh god, this can't be happening, I got a person who wants to kill me outside, and I got a person, who will probably want to kill me in the future! What should I do… act… casual. Ok keep it cool, act like nothings going to happen) Ahh ok ill be alright then.

Kiki: you're sure? Not too… shy?

Oliver: shy? Heh heh, who's shy? I'm not shy, infact, 'shy' doesn't exist in my house! SHYNESS IS FOR FAGS! (shifty eyes)

Rodger: (walks up to Oliver) Are… you ok bud?

Oliver: yeah, now that you're here, why don't you help me get rid of butt-head outside?

Rodger: because! _You _have to do it!

Oliver: look, I'm scared to death of that freak, HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA GET RID OF HER?

Rodger: …why don't you… take this broom (grabs a broom and hands it to him) and chase her off old school style!

Oliver: are you kidding? She might eat the broom, and then kick me in the nuts! THAT HURTS YOU KNOW!

Rodger: really? I never knew that.

Oliver: (stares)

Rodger: what? I never had that happen before…

Oliver: …Fine, I'll shoo her off with the broom. (walks to the door) but If I don't come back, burry me on the ride "It's a Small World." (Opens the door and shouts) GET OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID CAT! (swings the broom violently) AHHHH!

Bianca: (hisses and climbs a tree)

Oliver: (grabs the water hose and starts spraying her, speaking gibberish) BLAGERNAFAGINIBARDERWAG!

Bianca: (jumps off the tree and lands on Oliver, scratching at his face)

Oliver: (screams bloody murder)

inside!

Kiki: (looks out the window and sees Bianca beating the crap out of Oliver) wow… that must hurt.

(everyone runs to the window)

Rodger: (making fun of them fighting) GET BUSY-(kitty elbows him)

Kitty: eww that's nasty

Rodger: what? Their busy fighting!

Kitty: …you're an idiot.

Rodger: ooo look who's the one who has the dirty mind.

Kitty: …someone has to help Oliver!

Astrid: are you kidding? I am a wrestler, but there aint no way I'm going to go out there and pick a fight with a butt-faced cat.

Kitty: but Oliver!

Kiki: you do it kitty, after all, you're the one who likes him! And who knows, he might like you if you help him out.

Astrid: woo woo! Kitty and Oliver, sitting in a-(kitty pushes Astrid and walks outside)

Oliver: KITTY! HELP ME! SHES TRYING TO POKE MY EYES OUT!

Kitty: (grabs Bianca's tail and throws her) GET OFF MY MAN!

Oliver: (lays limp)

Kitty: (drags him by his foot inside) are you alright Oliver?

Oliver: ehhh… (faints)

Kitty: (sighs)

Astrid: OMG ALL YOU DID WAS THROW HER AND THAT WAS IT! WHATS YOU'RE SECRET?

Kitty: …

Astrid: …

Kiki: what are we going to do with Oliver?

Astrid: take him to Stinky's house; Stinky is his best friend anyways.

outside

Bianca: (gets up) grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Resetti: (comes up from the ground) YOU! (stupid angry ugly face) I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER RESET THE GAME!

Bianca: …what?

Mr. Resetti: YOU KNOW WHAT THE CONCIQUENCES ARE! (grabs her and takes her underground)

Bianca: (voice fades) ahhhhhh…

Stinky: (Rolls by in a full-body-cast except his arms) oh god my neck (knocks on Kiki's door)

Kiki: (opens door) Stinky! What happened?

Stinky: I don't want to talk about it

Astrid: STINKY! Thought your arms would break too, shoot, must've not done it right.

Stinky: yeah yeah whatever… What Oliver doing on the floor?

Kitty: he was attacked by that cat with a butt for a face. I had to save him.

Stinky: huh… anyways, I came to say I WANT A REMATCH ASTRID!

Astrid: …sure, whatever! When and where?

Stinky: when I heal, and at the whishing well, because you'll be whishing you never met Stinky!

Astrid: ok, that was just… lame

Kitty: (shakes Oliver) Oliver, wake up sweet heart

Oliver: (slowly wakes up) wha…?

Kitty: you were knocked out

Oliver: what? I was?

Kitty: yeah, you ok?

Stinky: hey Oliver, ready to go home?

Oliver: yeah, can I have a cookie?

Kiki: (hands him a cookie)

Oliver: yay!

Stinky: come on buddy (rolls away to his house)

Oliver: (skips out of the house)

Astrid: (whispers to Kiki) he's delirious…

Oliver: (still skipping)

Resetti: (pops out of the ground) …YOU! …alright, since you're new here, I'm going to be easy on you… DON'T YOU DARE TURN OFF THE $#&$ GAME! I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!

Oliver: huh?

Resetti: YEAH! THTS RIGHT! YOU TURNED OFF THE GAME!

Oliver: the what?

Resetti: DON'T PRETEND LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! THERES A LIGHT THAT FLASHES IN MY HEAD! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

Oliver: …

Resetti: HUH? WELL? DO YA?

Oliver: well-

Resetti: YOU SHOULDN'T CHEAT ON THIS GAME! IT WILL HURT HIS FEELINGS! (points to a volley ball with blood on it (AN: probably not from Resetti) and grass sticking out of the top) DON'T THINK I WONT FIND OUT! I CAN SEE EVERYTHING! AND SO CAN… willy… wolly… William… Wilson… yeah that's it, Wilson… WILSON!

Oliver: whatever freak (walks away)

Resetti: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT JERK! RUN AWAY! NEXT TIME I CATCH YOU TURNING OFF THE F#$&# GAME, IM GONNA CHOP YOUR NUTS OFF AND MAIL THEM TO YOUR MOM! (turns to a caterpillar) …DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING!

Oliver: (running as fast as he can)

Resetti: OH YEAH, AND BY THE WAY! WIPE YOUR $$! IT SMELLS LIKE MY FACE! …OH WAIT! THE OTHER WAY AROUND! (goes back in the ground)

Oliver: (runs to the police station)

Booker: slow down, you're going to knock over my doughnuts.

Oliver: officer, there is a psycho mole threatening me that he's going to hurt me.

Booker: IM ON THE WAY! (walks slowly off)

Oliver: (sits down and eats a doughnut)

we join our officer, five miles away from the police station, about to wipe away injustice from the earth… like… wiping crumbs from the counter with a sponge for the… yeah

Booker: (goes up to Resetti) have you been harassing a young man lately?

Resetti: WHATS IT TO YA?

Booker: uhh nothing (watching Resetti scurry down the tunnel) …don't forget to burry your holes!

Resetti: ILL BURRY MY HOLE ALRIGHT!

MEANWHILE!

Oliver: (running to see justice being served, like greasy eggs being served at IHOP… to an un-expecting freak, he stops) what the-

Resetti: (hitting a pile of dirt with a shovel that has bookers leg sticking out of it) JELLY FILLED DOUGHNUTS? I KIND OF PREFERR FAGGOT FILLED HOLES!

Oliver: oh my god

Resetti: YOU'RE NEXT (blood shocked eyes)

Oliver: AHHHHHHHH!

Resetti: (grabs Oliver) IM GONNA KILL YOU RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WRIGHT 'I LOVE MOLES' ON THIS F#$ING PIECE OF PAPER!

Oliver: (grabs the paper and scribbles down 'you smoke faggots' quickly and shoves it in resetti's mouth then runs away) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Resetti: (chokes on it and falls into another hole)

Oliver: (runs to stinkys house)

Tom nook: Oliver! I knew id find you here

Oliver: well, Stinky is practically the only one I can trust.

Tom Nook: Listen, since your part of-

Resetti: (pops out of the ground) ...YOU!

Oliver: uh oh

Resetti: (grabs Oliver by the shirt) YOU GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!

Oliver: hey man, I swear it wasn't me

Resetti: THEN WHO THE HECK WAS IT YOU JERK?

Oliver: it was-

Tom Nook: (pushes Resetti off of Oliver) no one touches the 'Olive'

Oliver: Olive?

Tom Nook: that's your nick name kid

Oliver: SINCE WHEN?

Resetti: (grabs tom) LISTEN PUNK! THIS KID TURNED OFF THE GAME!

Oliver: game? I THOUGHT THIS WAS REALITY!

Resetti: YOU TURNED IT OFF!

Tom Nook: (two other raccoons come out with machine guns) your mess with Olive, you mess with 'Raccoon Buffoons!'

Oliver: isn't that some mafia in Russia?

Resetti: (two other moles pop out of the ground) LISTEN JERK! I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE OF WHERE YOUR FROM! IM GONNA TAKE OUT YOUR VOCAL CORDES, AND TIE THEM TO A FISHING POLE, AND GO DEEP SEA FISHING! GOT IT FREAK? (waves arms around with that stupid freaky face) ME AND MY GANG ARE GONNA RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!

Tom Nook: (gets out two hand guns) TRY IT!

Stinky: (looks out the window) …hey you guys! There are two gangs outside!

(again, everyone rushes to the window)

Resetti: (gets out a shot gun as his other two members get out grenades and a bazooka)

Tom Nook: on three…

Resetti: one…

Kitty: THEIR GONNA KILL EACH OTHER! OLIVER GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!

Stinky: no! Stay! I want to see if you survive!

Tom Nook: two…

Oliver: (runs in between them) WAIT!

Tom: kid, get outta da way

Oliver: WHAT THE HELL WE FIGHTING FOR?

Tom Nook: ahhh just surrender and it won't hurt at all!

Resetti: JUST ENOUGH TIME TO SAY YOU'RE PRAYERS!

Oliver: oh crap

Resetti: THREE!

Oliver: (jumps through the window)

(It looks like a war is going on, and sadly, its the end of chapter three please review! thank you)


	4. Cupig

Cupig

(AN: HEY GUYS! sorry bout the wait, CHAPTER FOUR! IS IN! WOOO R&R thankx)

Oliver: (gets up off the floor and peeks out the window, he sees the three Raccoons run off and Resetti's two moles go back under ground.) uh oh, I guess Resetti won.

Kitty: oh how brave! You ran in the way of their fight, trying to stop them (kitty runs up and hangs on Oliver's arm)

Oliver: umm

Stinky: I wouldn't call it bravery, I'd call it stupidity, and you almost got killed. I am surprised Resetti didn't kill you then.

(Knock at zee door!)

Oliver: oh crap, don't answer that, I know who it is!

(All the animals get behind Oliver and push him toward the door)

Stinky: better you than us!

Rodger: yeah, and if your so brave, face Resetti!

Oliver: aw come on guys! Please, I don't want to die!

(They shove him to the door and force it open)

Resetti: (bat in his hand) well well, you're plan didn't work, I chased off those Raccoon Buffoons! (Resetti suddenly squints) AHH!

Oliver: …?

Resetti: (stupid angry face) THERES THAT LIGHT AGAIN! YOU RESTARTED THE GAME RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! YOU KNOW WHAT KID? YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE THAT LIGHT SHINE IN YOU HEAD? HUH? WELL? DO YA?

Oliver: n-no

Resetti: TOO DAMN BAD! (Hits Oliver over the head with the bat)

Kitty: OLIVER!

Oliver: (K-O!)

Seven Hours Later… Oliver wakes up on his porch; his house is now a nice two story, from what Tom Nook decided to do… Oliver wakes!

Oliver: ehh (drooling) what the heck happened… to me… (Stumbles and gets up, grabbing the door knob and opening his door. Inside is Whisp the ghost, sitting/floating on Oliver's broken radio, eating out of an old can of beans.)

Whisp: what the hell are you doing laying on my porch jerk?

Oliver: you're porch? This is my house!

Whisp: …please don't tell people how I live

Oliver: look, all I want to know is, what happened to me (feels his head and there's a big bump on it)

Whisp: (shrugs and continues eating)

Rodger: (walks down stairs) you were hit over the head by Resetti!

Whisp: HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?

Rodger: that's for me to know, and for you to never find out…

Whisp: (ponders)

Oliver: then what happened?

Rodger: well, he was beating you with the bat, but Kitty started to cry and then she beat the crap out of Resetti.

Oliver: Kitty beat the crap out of Resetti? Really?

Rodger: no joke man…

Oliver: (thinking: holy crap, if Kitty beat the $# out of Resetti, then I better do nothing to make her upset…)

Rodger: yeah, you should go thank her…

Oliver: great idea moron! Ill go thank her.

Rodger: can I come too?

Oliver: of coarse not!

Rodger: ok…

Oliver: (walks away, but he's so hurt, he stumbles and it looks like he's drunk) ohh man, my head still hurts.

(Meanwhile! On the way to kitty's house)

Cupig: (flying down from the sky) ehh I hate my job (sees Oliver) hmm? Now he looks like he looks like he needs someone to love! (Fly's down into the tree tops) heh heh

Oliver: (knocks on Kitty's door)

Kitty: (opens) hmm? OLIVER! Glad to see you are up and about.

Oliver: hey kitty, I want to say umm about the… Well about Resetti, thank you for well, getting rid of him while I was down.

Kitty: you're welcome!

Oliver: and well, what happened anyways?

Cupig: (gets out a brick shaped like a heart) hope this kid will like living with a cat all his life. (Aims for Oliver)

Kitty: well, I don't really know, it happened all so fast I just…

Cupig: (throws the brick and it hits Oliver's forehead)

Oliver: GAHH! (Falls backwards)

Kitty: (bounces off of Oliver's forehead and hits her in the face) REEEAAAOOOORRRRRR! (Falls on Oliver)

Cupig: GOOAAALLL! (Does a little jig) GO CUPIG! GO CUPIG! UH HUH! YEAH YEAH! WOO WOO! (Fly's down and grabs two more bricks, regular ones, and drops them on Oliver and Kitty's heads) WAKE UP! (Disappears)

Oliver: (eyes shoot open) EHHH DAH WAH?

Kitty: (rolls over and sits up) what the heck was that?

Oliver: (looks at her) I… have… no… idea

Kitty: (looks at Oliver) you ok

Oliver: (gets up) no, I'm great

Kitty: same here

Oliver: (falls in love, aw how cute) Wow, did I ever tell you-

Cupig: (appears) ah ha, no need to thank me

Oliver: who are you?

Kitty: aren't you Cupid?

Cupig: NO! WHY DO ALL THE KIDS MISTAKE ME FOR CUPID? IM CUPIG! THAT'S WHY I LOOK LIKE A PIG! YOU DUMB $$! I DISPISE YOU!

Oliver: ok man, what do you want?

Cupig: why (flutters eyes) I just want to tell you-(Resetti pops out of the ground with missing teeth)

Resetti: ehh…(spits out a tooth and hits Rodger in the eye who is spying in a bush a couple feet away) I'm gona skin me a cat! (Struggling to keep his head above ground)

Kitty: (grabs the brick Cupig threw at Oliver) GET LOST! (Throws it and hits Resetti square in the face)

Resetti: EHH! (Falls down his hole then crawls out with a shot gun) WHO THREW THAT?

Oliver: he did! (points at cupig)

Cupig: …well see ya later gu-(Resetti grabs cupig)

Resetti: why I OTTA (starts making a love struck face)

Cupig: …are you ok

Resetti: I otta tell you that you look divine (smells cupig's hair)

Cupig: AHHH! IM A GUY! NOT A GIRL!

Resetti: I know (tries to kiss Cupig)

Cupig: (gags and pukes, trying to fly away)

Resetti: come back my love!

Cupig: YOU FAGGOT!

Resetti: I love you!

Cupig: (points at kitty) you moron! Those bricks will make you fall in love with only one person for the rest of you life! DO YOU REALISE YOU MADE RESETTI A COMPLETE FAGGOT?

Kitty: I already thought he was

Oliver: (rolling on the floor laughing) OH GOD! I CANT HAHAHAH TAKE IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Resetti: come back (reaching) I can't live without you!

Cupig: SHUT UP FAG! (disappears)

Oliver: (gets up) hoo man that was sweet

Kitty: I thought so (holds Oliver's hand)

Oliver: Ill umm be on my way now

Kitty: no, stay

Oliver: I really should go

Kitty: please

Oliver: NO (runs away)

Kitty: …(shrugs, starts to go back inside and sees a cricket)…MINE! (pounces the ground and not too much later our audience starts to hear crunching noises)

(Oliver arrives at his house and it's all furnished with Halloween furniture)

Oliver: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY HOUSE?

Whisp: what? It makes me feel at home.

Oliver: I NEVER SAID YOU COULD STAY!

Whisp: (sad face)

Oliver: alright fine, you can stay, just… just leave me in peace

Whisp: like a dead man! REST IN PEACE YOU JERK!

Oliver: what?

Whisp: nothing

Oliver: (rolls eyes and runs upstairs, flopping on his bed and daydreams of kitty. He tries to think of something else, but he can't)

Rodger: (under his bed, giggling)

Oliver: Rodger, what the hell are you doing

Rodger: tee hee spying on you

Oliver: Rodger, what does it mean when, when you can't stop thinking about someone. And when you have that one feeling in your gut.

Rodger: umm love? …or their ugly face gave you indigestion…

Oliver: THAT'S IT, IM IN LOVE!

Rodger: wait wait don't tell me, you fell in love with Bianca

Oliver: no

Rodger: …Kiki?

Oliver: no

Rodger: STINKY?

Oliver: eww

Rodger: KITTY!

Oliver: maybe…

Rodger: well…(writing 'Rodger was here' in sharpie on Oliver's floor) maybe you should confess your feelings!

Oliver: and how should I do that?

Rodger: ARE YOU AN IDIOT! You can go up to her face to face and tell her, or write a love letter.

Oliver: okay, Ill write a love letter!

Rodger: good luck

Oliver: (grabs some paper and a pen) Dear (scribbles it out) Dear (scribbles it out again) …Dearest… eww (scribbles it out)

Rodger: HERE LET ME HELP! Write this down…ahem

(Oliver starts to copy Rodger's words down)

Rodger: dear kitty, the thought of us being apart weighs heavily on my heart…I must confess my love for you, when I look at your ears I can barley contain my self-

Oliver: IM TRYING TO GET HER TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND, NOT GET HER TO MOVE AWAY!

Rodger: oh! Oops! Lol …wait a min! (grabs the paper and scribbles out Kitty and puts in Eloise and scribbles down more stuff) …from your dearest Tom Nook. LOL! I never liked that fat cow anyways.

Oliver: (tears up the paper) I HATE YOU!

Rodger: …

Oliver: Dear Kitty,

Rodger: DEAR KITTY? THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP!

Oliver: come on Rodger, I am trying my best here.

Rodger: well, like I said, 'good luck.'

Oliver: … (scribbles it out and gets a new fresh paper) Dear Kitty,

Rodger: wait wait, say this! 'dear kitty, I just wanted to tell you that well, even though I've been acting sort of anti-social and everything, I really am not. You see, there's this thing called skitzo-

Oliver: I DON'T HAVE SKITZOPHRENIA!

Rodger: fine, whatever, anyways 'I really have feelings for you, and I want to ask you, will you go out with me? From, Oliver.'

Oliver: GREAT! (writes it down)

(four hours later)

Oliver: PERFECT!

Rodger: wowzers, it's been four hours, what the hell did you put in there?

Oliver: I added to it!

Rodger: really… let me see (reaches out)

Oliver: no

Rodger: come on

Oliver: no!

Rodger: all you put was "P.S. I love you."

Oliver: …I WAS DAYDREAMING!

Rodger: go to the dang post office

Oliver: …isn't it closed at (looks at the clock) 1:00 AM?

Rodger: its always open, people change their shifts

Oliver: uhh…ok

(Oliver runs to the post office as fast as his two legs can carry him, which looks weird to some of the animals in Doodaloo)

Oliver: (stumbles in) Hey, I'd like to mail this

Phyllis: (blows cigarette smoke into Oliver's face) …(deep voice…I mean a REALLY deep voice that you get from smoking…she sounds like a man ok?) …so whatcha want joik!

Oliver: I said I'd like to mail this! (waves the letter around in her face)

Post master: (walks out from the back) Phyllis? By the way, you're fired

Phyllis: (puts her cigarette out in his eye) what!

Post master: (rolling around on the floor)…I MEAN YA GOTA BONUS!

Phyllis: that's what I thought you said babe (turns to Oliver) …so freak, do you got any letters or not!

Oliver: (stares at the mole on her face and spaces out, while he's spacing out, he hallucinates the mole talking)

Mole: HEY KID! Hurry the hell up, I'm missing my soaps!

Oliver: (shakes head and is out of hallucination) whoa…

Phyllis: (rolls her eyes) just hand me the freaking letter

Oliver: (takes the letter and pokes her mole) what is that thing?

Phyllis: IT'S MY FREAKIN-(Oliver starts hallucinating again) BEST FRIEND!

Oliver: eww, that thing is you're best friend?

Phyllis: (snatches the letter away and puts it in the back room)

Crazy Redd: (bursts in through the door) HEY BABY!

Phyllis: SNUBBYKINS!

Crazy Redd: (reaches over to kiss her and starts to look at her mole and kisses it accidentally)

Oliver: (staring in horror)

Phyllis: I'm gona get off work soon babe

Crazy Redd: then ya can head over to my trailer and we can start some work of our own

Phyllis: OH baby, like last week?

Crazy Redd: ya know it! (stares at her mole as he backs away and trips over Oliver's foot) later babe!

Phyllis: (watches Crazy Redd walk out of the post office and rests her head on her hand and sigh, exposing her neck)

Oliver: (takes his eyes off her incredibly huge mole and sees her neck) …(focuses his eyes and sees a large bump coming out of her neck) …(eyes grow huge) do you have an Adam's apple?

Phyllis: (covers her neck with her hands) NO!

Oliver: are you a cross-dressing man?

Phyllis: GET LOST! PERVERT! PERVERT!

Oliver: (Points at her face) YOU'RE A MAN! (gets a sickened face)

Phyllis: (throws a package at him that explodes) (A.N. it was a pipe bomb that was mailed to someone and she didn't know…probably tom frook…hmm…)

Oliver: (runs and trips over the E machine and stumbles out of the post office, he goes to his house and slams the door.) THE POST OFFICE LADY IS A MAN!

Rodger: hmm?

Oliver: SHES A HE-SHE!

Rodger: who?

Oliver: THE POST OFFICE FREAK! SHES A HE-SHE! I mean well you know what I mean! He's a cross-dresser!

Rodger: and you didn't know that?

Oliver: (eye pupils go tiny) where I come from, that's not common

Rodger: we don't have them often either, but we aren't idiots!

Oliver: um…(hears a rock hit his window) what the! (opens it and sees Resetti on his porch)

Resetti: is that you Cupig? My Love?

Oliver: NO IT ISNT YOU FAGGOT!

Resetti: it must be! (starts singing sweet dreams nightingale) Sweeeeeet dreeeaaaammmss niiiiiggghhhhttten gallllee! aaaaAaAaAaAAAAAAAAAAA (Oliver's windows begin to crack)

Rodger: wow! He's good!

Oliver: (covering his ears) he sounds like a dying animal! (grabs a cylinder block and tries to throw it at Resetti) SHUT UP!

Cupig: IVE FOUND THE ANITDOTE FOR MY LOVE BRI-(gets hit in the head by the cylinder block and falls to the ground)

Resetti: (grabs cupig) come to daddy! (drags him off into the woods)

Oliver: …you think Kitty will go out with me?

Rodger: I don't know, go see a fortune teller (falls asleep)

Oliver: GREAT IDEA!

Sand man: (comes in) I got an appointment for a mister Oliver?

Oliver: right here!

Sand man: oh-DELIVERY

Oliver: eh(Sand Man throws regular sand in Oliver's face) AHH! WHATS THIS SUPPOSED TO DO?

Sand man: distract you! (hits Oliver in the face with a shovel and makes off with his wallet)

Oliver: (K.O.)

(end... FOR NOW!)


	5. A disastrous Date

A disastrous Date

(AN: sorry it took so long, School started and you know how that is… and I made it long just because I love you all… anyhoo, ENJOY)

Oliver: (wakes up after a "good nights sleep.") ohh god my brain, who the hell did that?

Stinky: (staring at Oliver in horror) WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU DID ELO-FREAK SIT ON YOUR FACE?

Oliver: what…?

Stinky: your face is messed up! (Holds up a mirror to Oliver)

Oliver: (looks at himself) OH CRAP! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO ON A DATE LOOKING THE FREAK LIKE THIS?

Stinky: I don't know, maybe she'll feel sorry for you

Oliver: thanks (sighs)

(KNOCK! KNOCK! THERES A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!)

Oliver: (opens the door) yeah what-(Rodger shoves Oliver into the wall)

Rodger: oh my gosh! I can't believe it happened!

Stinky: what?

Rodger: KATRINA! HER PREDICTION CAME TRUE!

Oliver: (lies in the corner) who's Katrina?

Rodger: a freaking weirdo!

Oliver: besides that

Rodger: she's a fortune teller!

Oliver: really? Cool! I want to get my fortune told!

Rodger: no you don't, she gives you bad fortunes, and they cost 50 dollars! EACH! YOU MORON! DON'T GO NEAR HER!

Oliver: your stupid, ill go ask her if kitty will go out with me

Stinky: you fool! That will never work!

Oliver: why not?

Stinky: GENIES CAN'T MAKE PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE YOU IDIOT!

Rodger: (backhands stinky) SHES NOT A GENIE! SHES WORSE! SHES A FREAK WHO CAN SEE THE FUTURE! AND EVEN WORSE! SHES THE ONE WHO DECIDES IT!

Oliver: so she has super powers

Rodger: NO! (Shakes Oliver violently with blood shocked eyes)

Oliver: I don't believe you guys, I'm going to go see for myself

Rodger: I'm always right Oliver, you can count on that

Oliver: yeah whatever ya fruit cup (waves his hand and walks out, he wanders to the police station to find out where the weird fortune teller is…)

Cooper: good morning citizen!

Oliver: hey, do you know where-

Cooper: (grabs Oliver's head and starts twisting it around and examining it) not smoking mothballs I see, commendable behavior, when's the last time you attended a neuter your house plants awareness meeting! Hmmm? Or are you hiding something? HMMMM!

Oliver: n-no sir, I just want to know where Katrina the fortune teller is… (Shifty eyes)

Copper: oh, I believe she set up shop behind Stinky's house

Oliver: great, now I have to walk ALLL THE FREAKIN WAY BACK! (Slumps off, goes to Stinky's house and jumps the fence and carefully peeks in her tent) ehem excuse me? Mrs. Fortune teller lady? Are you there?

(A mysterious panther with a veil over her head is making slow movements over a large glass ball)

Katrina: come in my young fruit cup

Oliver: what?

Katrina: you called Rodger a fruit cup… now feel the pain in which you have inflicted upon RODGER! (Hisses and flickers her tongue)

Oliver: (worried look) umm… ok…

(Her crystal ball begins to fog up and a floating head appears in the glass)

Katrina: the spirits are among us

Floating head: I sense that you have traveled a long distance to get here from a short distance away…MUAHAHAHAHA!

Oliver: WHAT THE HELL? (Falls on the ground)

Floating Head: THAT'S RIGHT MORTAL! FEAR MY POWER MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (The fog starts to get thick inside the crystal ball) …aw crap

Oliver?

Floating head: (coughing) AW CRAP! DANG FOG MACHINE! (Pounds through the table and turns it over, running in circles screaming) IM SUFFICATING! SOMBODY HELP! AHHHHHHHHH! (Hits the wall and falls on the floor, smashing the glass ball to pieces)

Oliver: HAHAHA! What a loser!

(Oliver sees the person who was rubbing the crystal ball is really a puppet)

Oliver: WHAT? A puppet? What the freak! You're the REAL Katrina! (Points at the girl who was in the crystal ball)

Katrina: …AAA! (Katrina runs over to the puppet and starts making it talk) PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, I mean, THE GIRL WHO HAD HER HEAD STUCK IN THE TABLE!

Oliver: alright look lady, I just want my fortune told, and then ill get out of here ok?

Katrina: …fair enough…(throws the puppet away) but this incident will cost you, your bad hoodoo vibes caused this tragedy…(takes a crystal ball out of a box marked "fortune telling supplies for dummies") AH MO TAAA TEE TEE TAAA TAA TAA!

Oliver: (looking around the room all confused)

Katrina: AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! Ehem, I am through…In a sandwich, a clog dancing Elephant, will be, selling diapers…

Oliver: LOL!

Katrina: THAT'S WHAT I SEE (shakes Oliver)

Oliver: ok lady, don't crap your pants

Katrina: It means… some good things may happen, some bad things may happen-

Oliver: OH HELL NO! THAT'S NO FORTUNE! THAT'S CRAP! NOW TELL ME IF KITTY WILL GO OUT WITH ME!

Katrina: I must tell you what the stars show… by the way that'll be 49.99…

Oliver: I AINT PAYING FOR THAT! NOW GIVE ME WHAT I CAME FOR YA FUTURE SEEING FREAK!

Katrina: (her eyes begin to glow) oh ill give what you came here for alright! (Chairs begin doing the Lindy hop) in a cupboard, a care bear, will be, eating sawdust…ahem…oooh! Uh oh…

Oliver: what What WHAT?

Katrina: the stars have cursed you for your past rudeness, you are now bestowed with a temporary curse…because you haven't paid enough to make it permanent…

Oliver: oh crap, you mean I'm cursed? But it's only temporary? SCREW THIS! (Throws her fifty bells) I am not going to make it permanent. Later…. Freak…. (Walks out and into the forest, on his way to Kitty's house, and out of the bushes comes Cupig)

Cupig: (covers with hand prints) oh god (coughing) please, call a doctor

Oliver: woah, what happened? (Helps him up) are you ok?

Cupig: Resetti…. Oh god I've been touched in so many places

Oliver: eww (backs up)

Cupig: it's all that cat's fault, if she didn't hit Resetti with that brick, he wouldn't be a fag.

Oliver: can't you use a anti-brick or something?

Cupig: yeah, but… ugh… I want to get my hands on that cat

Oliver: (backs up slowly as Cupig barfs in the bushes, he runs as fast as he can to kitty's house, he knocks on her door)

Kitty: (walking home and sees Oliver knocking on her door) HI OLIVER!

Oliver: gah, uh um hey Kitty… (Nervous look) did, did you get my letter?

Kitty: yes! I'm sorry that I couldn't reply

Oliver: why? Can't read?

Kitty: no! Can't write, see I have paws

Oliver: …I'm an idiot

Kitty: so anyways I think it's great that you like me, but why can't you tell me face to face?

Rodger: (in the bushes) BECAUSE HES AN IDIOT! …A SHY IDIOT!

Oliver: exactly what Rodger said… I mean I DON'T KNOW! (Holds his head)

Kitty: (laughing)

Stinky: WELL ARENT YOU GONA ASK HER THAT QUESTION STUPID…I mean…MEOW!

Oliver: I uh yeah I guess ok well will you go out with me or not?

Kitty: um…ok, sure when (looking around)

Oliver: I was thinking today? Like later or… you know whenever you want, you don't have to go if you don't want to cause well you know I mean aww crap.

Kitty: (giggles almost) sure ill go with you, what time?

Oliver: how bout umm at lunch time? Ill pick you up

Rodger: IN HIS COOL CAR! OLIVER OWENS A PORCHE! HAHAHAHAH!

Oliver: I do?

Kitty: WOW! I CANT WAIT TO RIDE IN ONE OF THOSE!

Oliver: um sure ok

Kitty: see you at twelve

Oliver: (runs over to Rodger) I DON'T OWN A CAR YOU MORON! (Slaps him)

Rodger: HAHAHA! I KNOW! THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY! GOOD LUCK TELLING HER THE TRUTH! WOW! WHAT A LOSER!

Oliver: aww… man! (Walks away) I need some decent clothes too.

(Skid noise, Rodger gets hit by a car)

Gracie: HEY! NO ONE HITS MY CAR! (Honks the horn) DON'T JUMP INFRONT OF IT EITHER! LITTLE BA$$TURD! (Gets out of her car) tsk tsk tsk (looks at her car then looks at Oliver) WOW! ARENT YOU A LITTLE HOTTIE! LOOK AT THAT BODY! (Whistles)

Oliver: alright lady what's it too ya

Gracie: nothing, I just need you-OH MY GOSH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?

Oliver: it's called a Skull Shirt and shorts with a funny looking hat.

Gracie: oh no-no-no-no-no! That will never do! Naughty child, ill give you a spanking for wearing that piece of crap!

Oliver: it's all I can afford

Gracie: I see… tell you what, how about you wash that grease spot from hitting that kid off my car and ill give you some clothes.

Oliver: how bout not

Gracie: alright, fine, but you'll have to go around looking like a frump all day

(AN: frump means, dirty old lady)

Oliver: fine with me (walks away)

Resetti: (pops out of the ground) YOU! (Grabs Gracie) WHERE THE HELL IS OLIVER! HE MADE ME A FAGGOT!

Gracie: Oliver?

Resetti: THE HUMAN!

Gracie: oh! The hot little man! I saw him, but he walked off!

Resetti: GAHHHHHHHHH! (Picks her up and slams her face into the windshield) YOU WILL PAY FOR LETTING HIM GET AWAY LIKE THAT!

Gracie: AHHH! GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME!

Resetti: I GUESS YOU WONT BE NEEDING YOUR CAR ANYMORE… AFTER I KILL YOU! (Smearing her face against the windshield, her heavy put on make up wipes onto the window, and Resetti writes the word "free" on it, then takes her underground)

Oliver: (turns around and sees the car is for free) …ALRIGHT! (Hops in the car) COOL! (Oliver hears screaming from under ground)

: NO YOU UNSTYLISH SLOB! GET YOUR UGLY LITTLE HANDS OFF ME! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oliver: (floors it and drives off into the woods, singing to the radio) DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY EH! EH! DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY EH! EH! UH HUH YEAH YEAH (drives up to kitty's house and looks in the back seat, only a tin shirt is there, so he puts it on, for his skull shirt has a mustard stain, he honks the horn) WHAT A FUNK LADY EH! EH! (Oliver presses a button and changes the radio station, he presses another button and the car starts hopping up and down. HYDRAUILICS!) Oh yeah! I know this song! I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!

Kitty: (peeks out the window) oh my god…

Stinky: WOW! LOOK AT THE FREAKSHOW!

Rodger: (banging his head on the ground) ARE YOU FRIDGIN SURE ITS LOUD ENOUGH? BA-JEEZIS!

Oliver: WOOO HOO! A MAN'S DREAM ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OMG!

Eloise: WOW! THAT RIDE IS TOATALLY COOL!

Rodger: (looks at Eloise and sees that the sound waves from the bass is making Eloise's fat jiggle) OMG! (Covers his eyes) SIIIIICK! YO ELO-FREAK! YOU NEED TA GO ON A DIET! YOUR SO FAT YOU MAKE THE MONOPOLY MAN LOOK LIKE AN ANOREXIC PATIENT!

Eloise: (hops in Oliver's car and jams to the music with him but she's so heavy that the hydraulics can only lift Oliver's side of the car)

Oliver: …WHAT THE HELL! YOU FAT FREAK! GET OUT OF MY CAR!

Eloise: (gets out of the car) fine, be that way (waddles off)

Oliver: YEAH! (Car is still bouncing, Oliver puts on sunglasses)

Kitty: (comes out of the house) oh my god….

Oliver: told you I have a Porche! Ha ha! Ya ready for our date

Kitty: ( covering her ears) I NEVER SAID YOU DIDDNT! AND STOP THAT BOUNCING CRAP! YOUR STUPID CAR IS EMBARESSING ME!

Oliver: (turns down the music and presses another button, but the hydraulics go out of control) AHHHHH! IT WON'T STOP! (The car bounces faster and it flings him out of the car, the alarm goes off, its begins to bounce so much, it scoots into the forest and out of sight) NOOO! (Oliver stares in horror) COME BACK! …MY BABY!

Kitty: wow…see what happens when you show off?

Oliver: I only did it to impress you (shifty eyes)

Kitty: well all you did was made everyone think were freaks! (Everyone is laughing at Oliver)

Oliver: (flips them off) they can go to hell… I guess we can walk there huh?

Kitty: ok sure

Oliver: ok, let's see, got any place in mind? (Hopes she doesn't ask for anything expensive)

Kitty: um…I thought YOU invited me, shouldn't you pick?

Oliver: well if I didn't like you, then id pick, so pick a place, besides, I can't make up my mind.

Kitty: …um…how about that restaurant Le Roi Chou? (The cabbage king)

Oliver: SOUNDS EXPENSIVE!

Kitty: YEAH I KNOW!

Oliver: (looks at his wallet at his money)

Bills: don't spend us, we love you

Oliver: ok…sure

Kitty: yay! (Skipping while dragging Oliver)

Oliver: (thinking: oh god, I can feel my fingers already getting sore… ha…. ) ok I guess we can go there…

Kitty: WOO HOO! (Starts to skip into the woods were the car disappeared) come on Oliver! This is the fastest way

Oliver: (they arrive at the 5 star restaurant)

Kitty: YAY! (Runs up and try's to open the door) …hey! IT'S LOCKED! I wonder why?

(Gracie's car is sticking out of the roof)

Oliver: (thinking: oops… oh well) ok, let's go to… the nearest restaurant then

(They end up at IHOP)

Waiter: (we'll call him Mario… and yes he has a mustache and talks like an Italian) what kan' I get for ayou nicea peopla!

Kitty: …how about a table?

Waiter: COMING RIGHT UP! (runs off)

Kitty: …weird

Oliver: come on let's just sit (goes to a booth and sits)

Mario: (returns with a big deep-fried table smothered in grease) err' ya go!

Kitty: uh…Oliver?

Oliver: YOU IDIOT! SHE MEANT WE WANTED TO SIT DOWN!

Mario: a-sure ya did (winks)

Oliver: (frowns)

Mario: (smiles)

Oliver: (about to yell)

Mario: (whispers) that'll be $39.23 (his accent was fake)

Oliver: take it back! I didn't want that!

Mario: UGH! Fine… (takes it back)

Oliver: I swear it's like a retard is working here

Mario: (comes back) whata' would ya lika' to drinka'?

Oliver: Pepsi

Mario: (sets down a Pepsi he pulled from behind him… umm how it got there we will never know) there

Oliver!

Kitty: PEPSI IS THE DEVIL (throws the glass and its smashes through the window) drink a coke (winks)

Oliver: ok… coke

Mario: ah, that ill have to fetch a pitcher…

Oliver: (frustrated) THEN GO GET IT

Mario: (dances his way into the kitchen)

(everyone in the restaurant is staring at Oliver and Mario)

Kitty: (staring crossed-eyed at everyone) WHATCHA LOOKIN AT…YA FREAKS?

Mario: (dances his way back while singing) HERES YOU'RE….

(Luigi, Bowzer, and Peach come in and sing with Mario as a barbershop quartet)

Mario: (high voice)Soda…

Luigi: (middle voice) Soda….

Bowzer: (slightly lower voice) Soda….

Peach: (bass) your soooooo-daaaaaa…..

Toad: (slides across the table) IS HERE NNNOOOOWWWWW!

(Hands Oliver a soda with sparklers in the glass sticking out)

Oliver: (sees a booger floating in the soda)

Mario: thatsa compliments of the-a chief…a (points at the chief)

Chief Boyardee: IMA GONA KILLYA YA LITTLE-A FREAKA! REFUSE MY DEEP FRIED TABLE WILLYA!

Kitty: (sinks down into her seat)

Oliver: (pupils go tiny) umm

Kitty: (whispers) don't drink it

Oliver: (nods) I wouldn't dream

Mario: (drinks it) let me get you a re-fill

Oliver: o-ok

Mario: (gets out pitcher) tella me a when

Oliver: (fills at the top) 'when'

Mario: when what

Oliver: 'WHEN!'

Mario: I heard you the first time, but when what? (sodas overflowing all over the table)

Oliver: STOP!

Mario: oh (takes pitcher away) why didn't you say so?

Oliver: (sighs)

Mario: now… what will you have to eat?

Oliver: you order first kitty

Kitty: ill have…umm…. Salmon

Oliver: (green faced)

Kitty: what is it Oliver?

Oliver: I hate fish

Kitty: oh, ill have a burger then (whispers to Mario) a fish burger

Mario: yeah whatever

Oliver: ill have the same thing

Mario: (thinking while writing: two fish burgers ok…) you got it (walks off)

Oliver: I'm allergic to fish

Kitty: oh really?

Oliver: yep, ill start to choke and then if I don't get it out I'll die.

Kitty: sounds scary

Oliver: yep

Mario: (brings back two fish burgers which have been slopped together) err ya go!

Oliver: (smells it) umm… this smells funny

Mario: (sprays perfume on it)

Oliver: no, it smells like fish

Mario: …that's kitty's plate, yours smells like perfume! See? (smells it) I don't smell the fish (mutters) anymore…

Oliver: uhh thanks…

Mario: (remembers he's supposed to have a accent) …A-YOURE WELCOME! (waddles off)

Oliver: (smiles and that's a bite out of the burger)

Kitty: (eating her fries and staring at Oliver)

Oliver: (chew-chew-chew-chew …chew…chew…chew-chew…chew)

Kitty: something wrong?

Oliver: (eyes bulge) ugh-ack-CAKCHGUSCAAFFACCCKK!

Kitty: OH MY GOSH! OLIVER

Oliver: (waves hands around wildly)

Other Waiter: (looks at Oliver) OH MY GOSH! Nee deep! HES CHOKEING! (throws off mustache and its Rodger) ILL SAVE YOU OLIVER!

(Read chapter 1 if you didn't laugh just now)

Oliver: (angry look at Rodger while he's choking) RO-CAACKK-DGER!

Rodger: (tackles Oliver and bang his head against the table) BREEAAATHE! LIVE AGAIN!

Oliver: (angry look becomes a scowl) CAACCKKFAACKKK

Rodger: (punches him in the stomach) LIIIIVVVEEE!

Oliver: (hacks it up and it shoots in Rodger mouth which makes Rodger choke on the fish) RODGER YOU MORON

Rodger: ACK! (rolling around)

Mario: (looks at Rodger then his eyes go wide) ILL SAVE YOU (tackles Rodger, the fish shoots out of his mouth and hits Peach in the eye.)

Rodger: YOU SAVED MY LIFE

Mario: …NO PROBLEM! (poses)

Rodger: (runs and picks up the chewed fish that hit Peaches eye) YUM! (eats it)

Oliver: eww

Kitty: (shoves her plate) this sucks

Oliver: yeah I know (rubs his throat)

Mario: AND NOW FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT FOR TODAY (puts on lederhosen)

Oliver: AHHH! (grabs kitty and runs)

Kitty: (finds an excuse to see Mario dance in lederhosen) …I was eating!

Oliver: I don't care! It turned into a freak show in there!

Kitty: every restaurant is like that around here!

Oliver: I noticed…

Kitty: how bout we go to your house for dinner?

Oliver: (thinking: oh crap, my house? No way, Whisp will sure to freak her out, and besides, Rodger or Stinky might be there.)

Kitty: we all can have like a picnic, I can invite everyone in the town, and announce we are… um never mind

Oliver: announce what

Kitty: nothing

Oliver: ok, sure lets all have a picnic, tomorrow though, because I… need to take some Excedrin!

Kitty: ok, bye Oliver (tries to kiss his cheek but Oliver turns around and bumps into a tree)

Oliver: OW!

(bee hive falls down)

Oliver: …oh crap

Kitty: aww, did you get a boo-boo?

Oliver: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE (runs)

Kitty: (sees the hive) REEEOOOOWWWW! (runs off)

Oliver: (being chased by the bees) AHHHHHHHHHH!

(to be continued… read and review ppl, e mail me too... yeah)


	6. Freakish Festivities

Freakish Festivities

(AN: I worked hard on this one, as I did for the other ones, ENJOY, MY AUDIENCE!)

Oliver: (tiny eye pupils) GET AWAY FROM ME!

(Bees are humming France's national anthem)

Oliver: (running toward the house) THE BEES ARE FRENCH?

Le Bee Capitan: CHARGE!

(A little bee trumpet plays the charge jingle and the bees fly after Oliver at full speed)

(Mean while at home)

Whisp: ahh…I LOVE painting scenes from Guy Wars! (AN: a spoof within the spoof of star wars)

(Whisp watching the TV)

Darth Gator: LUKE GUYSTALKER!

Luke Guystalker: GO AWAY…I HATE YOU!

Darth Gator: but I just want to be your friend

Luke Guy stalker: NEVER! YOU KILLED MY SISTER!

Darth Gator: no Luke…I am your sister

Luke Guystalker: NO…THAT ISNT POSSIBLE!

Darth Gator: anything is possible with surgery-(Whisp changes the channel)

Whisp: …AHH! Harry Buttocks! (AN: yet another spoof with the spoof that we shall create soon for our loving crowd…a Harry potter spoof)

Harry Buttocks: (gets electrocuted and starts to fall like in the third movie when he falls off his broom)

Albus Dumb-Old-Dork: (points at Harry) UNO MOMENTO! (Takes out a camera and takes a picture of Harry frozen in mid air, about to hit the ground) …ok

Harry Buttocks: (THUD)

Whisp: OH YES! IT'S BRILLIANT! (Painting the grease spot that was Harry Buttocks)

Oliver: (almost there)

Whisp: YES! IT'S FINNALLY FINISHED!

Oliver: (crashes through the door covered in bee stings and very pissed off) THE BEEES! (Slams the door shut and slides across Whisp's painting smearing it)

Whisp: YOU FOOOL!

Oliver: (grabs Whisp's painting) CAN I BORROW THIS?

Whisp: YOU CAN KEEP IT NOW!

Oliver: (opens up the door and starts smacking the bees with the canvas) I-----! (Smack) HATE-----! (Smack smack) BEES-----------! (Running around like a freak destroying the bee's army)

Le Bee Capitan: RETREATE! FLEEE FOR YOUR LIVE-(Oliver squishes the captain)

(The bees flee in fear)

Oliver: (panting, has blood shocked eyes) YOU WANNA MESS WITH ME? COME ON BACK OVER HERE! I DARE YOU!

Whisp: (stares at Oliver with a scared look, he holds up a letter) umm… here's your mail Oliver

Oliver: (takes it) It's from Eloise, why is she writing to me for? (Opens it, It has really, really beautiful feminine handwriting that looks like it was made with a quill.) What the…? Who the heck writes with a quill now-a-days? Haven't you heard of a ball-point-pen? MORON! (Reads it)

Letter: Dearest Oliver,

We have known each other for some time now (Oliver thinks to himself: we only knew each other for a couple of freaking months, I thought fat Freakish elephants couldn't forget something like that. Or is all that lard blocking blood to her brain? HAHAHA!)

Anyways I need to confess something that I've been hiding for some time now…I love you, and I want you to be MINE! The thought of us being apart weighs heavily on my heart (an: sound familiar?) When I think of you I can barely contain myself! Will you please go out with me? If not, your dead! I have a little black mail I "sleuthed" up that I think everyone will be quite shocked about! (Attached to the letter is a picture pasted together with cutouts of pictures that shows Oliver in a wedding gown, next to a groom at a wedding smiling, and at the bottom it says Special Memories in rainbow text) Ill send that to every house in Doodaloo and everyone will think you're a freak! Ha ha!

Love, Eloise

Oliver: (face turns red as he scowls at the picture, he then shreds it up and sits at the table) ILL SHOW YOU SPECIAL MEMORIES! (Grabs a piece of paper)

DEAR ELO-FREAK!

HEY YOU ELEPHATA$$! DO YOU THINK THAT SOME STUPID PICTURE YOU MADE IS GONA MAKE EVERYONE THINK IM A FREAK? It looks like a freaking two year old made it. And by the way, THERES NO WAY IN HEVEN OR HELL THAT ID DATE YOU! IM TO AFRAID TO EVEN GO NEAR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE CUZ YOU MIGHT SIT ON ME, AND GOSH KNOWS WHEN ID BE FOUND IN YOUR BIG FATT BUBBLE BUTT! PLUS, YOUR WAY THE HECK TOO FAT TO BE GOING OUT AND EATING, YOUR SO FREAKIN FAT THE NEXT TIME YOU EAT A CHICKEN WING, YOUR STUPID STOMACH MIGHT ESPLODE, AND BLAST US ALL TO KINGDOM COME! Do you want to know how I know you are too fat? BECAUSE IF YOU SQUINT AT YOUR STRETCH MARKS, IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT VINCENT VAN GOUGH WAS INSPIRED BY TO DO THAT STARRY NIGHT PICTURE!

Screw you

From, Oliver

Oliver: (grabs the letter and puts it in the mail box) there… (Looks at the time, its 11 p.m.) Gosh, its late (yawns) time for bed (scratches his butt and walks back inside)

Whisp: (eyes go in different directions) its going to be foggy in the morning (snorts) and very hot around 11 through 3 p.m. (smiles and has a bunch of missing teeth)

Oliver: umm… ok

Whisp: (eyes go back to normal) sorry, I used to be a weather man, then everyone thought I was creepy because I did that on film and it came true, they fired me and the town mob killed me… (Slurps tea so loudly that he cant hear Oliver mutter freak to himself)

(Knock at the door, Oliver answers)

Oliver: yeah what?

Kitty: Oliver! I told everyone there's a picnic tomorrow, and you are supposed to bring the main course!

Oliver: (droopy eyes shoot open) I have no food!

Kitty: then order some; the train will deliver it by tomorrow if you hurry and call. Oh, and don't forget, everyone is a vegetarian. Except me and you, which sucks. (Talks fancy for a second) but the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few.

Oliver: Great… just great… well thanks for telling me now, bye kitty, see you tomorrow

Kitty: (runs off)

Oliver: (gets out a phone and orders veggie-burgers from Somewhere USA)

The business man tells Oliver that the burgers will be on the morning train at 6:00 a.m.

Oliver: yeah thanks (hangs up the phone) great…six hours of sleep (flops down) where's that sand man when I need him

Sand man: (reading a book next to Oliver) I'm on vacation

Oliver: can you do me a favor?

Sand man: no problem (takes out a base ball bat)

(Stinky arrives home)

Stinky: (taking off a sweater) yes it's a good…feeling…to know Whisp is not alive and it's a happy feeling growing in side that makes me come home ready to say…I think it was, a, GOOD DAY! Such a good feeling-(Oliver screaming from the top floor and then stops) …I think ill sleep on the porch (opens the door and sees Mr. Rodgers)

Mr. Rodgers: hi, I'm the Sand man's replacement, he's on vacation!

Stinky: …but I'm not due until 3:00 A.M. …

Mr. Rodgers: I know… (Throws sand in Stinky's face and takes out a bat) you ripped off my song (beating the crap out of Stinky)

Stinky: AAAHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (K.O.)

Whisp: …what a weirdo (continues reading his Play Clown weekly) …wow, Mr. Bobo does make a great Mr. September…I uh…better save this…(Mr. Rodgers snatches the magazine and runs out the door)

(Morning…)

Oliver: (standing by the train station, sipping hot cocoa because its foggy, humming to himself)

Hugh: (doing his second job as a mime) …. ….. ….! (Waving at Oliver does the glass box while talking to Oliver) ….! …..!...! ….! ….! ….?

Oliver: (shoves Hugh away and Hugh crashes into a garbage can)

(Starting to hear the train, CHOO CHOO! Yay!)

Rodger: (slinks up to Oliver) sohowyoudoingbuddywowyoulooktierdihaventseenyouinawhiledidyougetanyinteresting-letters? (Smiles really wide)

Oliver: please talk SLOWER, I cant understand a single word your saying.

Rodger: sorry, just excited about the picnic that's all… (Shifty eyes)

Oliver: yeah well… me too (starts hearing these thuds, he looks down at his Cocoa and sees ripples) what the heck?

Rodger: (sees trees falling over in the horizon) …gotta go! (Zooms off)

Captain Ahab: IT'S THE DEVIL OF THE DEEP! THE WHITE WHALE! MOBY DICK!

Dr. Grant: no…it sounds bigger

(A dozen trees get blown away and a big angry yellow rampaging elephant is in the distance and roars)

Oliver: (gets really scared as the train and Eloise get closer to Oliver)

Captain Ahab: (pick up a spear) I GRIN AT THEE THOU GRINING WHALE!

Eloise: (remembers Oliver's fat jokes) rrRRAAAAHHHH! (Stomps Captain Ahab flat)

(A raccoon goon comes out of the wood work)

Raccoon goon: HOLY CANOLIE! ELOISE IS AFTER THE OLIVE! (Shoots at Eloise)

Eloise: (glares at the little raccoon) EAT! (Grabs the raccoon and swallows him whole)

Oliver: oh crap

Eloise: ILL TEACH YOU TO SEND RANDOME HURTFULL LETTERS!

Oliver: (tries to run but Eloise grabs Oliver and punches him)

Eloise: aww…did that hurt Oliver?

Oliver: (spits out a tooth) YOU BET IT DID YOU FAT COW (covers his mouth)

Eloise: (kicks Oliver in the nuts) TRY MAKING BABIES WITH NOTHING THERE!

Oliver: (gasps and holds himself) GAHHH!

Kitty: (sitting in her chair) …my Oliver sense is tingling! (Runs out the door)

Eloise: DO YOU KNOW HOW HURT I WAS WHEN I READ YOUR LETTER?

Oliver: (squeaky voice) no

Eloise: (kicks him again) WELL NOW YOU DO! (About to sit on him)

Kitty: GET AWAY FROM MY MAN---! (Head-butts Eloise)

Eloise: (fly's back and the train hits her, so much dust fly's up you cant see what happened)

Kitty: (tiny pupils) oops

Oliver: (struggles to get up) ugh, what happened?

Kitty: I knocked Eloise and she got hit by the train

Oliver: (laughs) what?

Eloise: (dusts clears and it shows the train has a perfect imprint of Eloise's stomach

Into the front of the engine, the rest of the train is squished up to it like a tin can) that tickled

Oliver: HOLY SHI-

Kitty: (slaps Oliver) don't curse!

Oliver: (rubs face) OW

Rodger (makes his way to Oliver through the crowd of people crawling out of the mutilated train.) (Bawling) IM SORRY IM SORRY, I didn't know my fake letter would cause this

Eloise: you mean-

Oliver: yup, (turns to Rodger and decides to blame the letter he sent to Eloise on Rodger) THIS MORON SENT US BOTH FAKE LETTERS!

Rodger: WAIT A MIN!

Eloise: RAAAHHHHHHH!

Rodger: AHHHHHH (sprints away with Eloise rampaging after Rodger)

Kitty: …well…maybe the food we ordered is still okay (the train bursts into flames then the fire dies leaving a chard train)

Oliver: D#MN IT! (Grabs a crow bar and starts beating and twisting the train into the likeliness of a pretzel)

Kitty: wow! That's cool

Oliver: (crazy face) IM GOING NUTS! (Throws the crow bar and hits the conductor monkey on the platform)

Curious George: (wakes up with a start and looks at his watch) ALL ABOARD THE DOODALOO EXPRE-(sees the train) …express…

Oliver: (breathing heavily) gahhh I'm gonna kill someone

Kitty: um, I suppose you could buy something from Tom Nooks store.

Oliver: alright, ill see you at noon then (walks away to Tom Nooks)

Tom Nook: can I help you?

Oliver: yes, do you have any food?

Tom Nook: no but maybe I would if (pokes Oliver) SOMEBODY WOULD HAVE DONE THEIR JOB!

Oliver: what?

Tom Nook: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH THE STORE! I LOST SO MUCH MONEY AND MY FAVORITE CROSS WORD BOOK IS GONE!

Oliver: sorry…

Tom Nook: eh, here (hands Oliver bread and lunch meat) its free, since your new

Oliver: Gee, thanks!

Tom Nook: done mention it (whispers) its moldy anyways…

Oliver: (walks down to the pond, whistling the Andy Griffith theme song)

(The tables are set, the barbeque is up, and everyone is drinking refreshments and talking)

Astrid: Oliver! Did you bring the main course? I brought gelatin dessert! (Holds up the dessert and it looks like puke)

Kitty: (in a nice dress that actually impresses Oliver) I brought cake, and I got Wendell here to make a picture on it

Oliver: (walks over to the cake and it's a picture of Oliver and Kitty kissing) aw great

Kitty: (blushing)

Oliver: (squints at it) uhh its… umm nice

Kitty: (giggles wildly)

Kiki: WHOS READY TO PLAY BALLOON FIGHT?

(Everyone runs to Kiki, who is next to the pond with a bunch of balloons)

Oliver: I guess ill barbeque now

Kitty: no that's ok, ill do it for you ok? (takes the bread and meat, I bet your thinking regular lunch meat like I said earlier… well its not… its Tri-Tip ha-ha, why did I change it? BECAUSE I CAN! BECAUSE IM THE AUTHOR! AND YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT UNLESS YOU MOB MY SCHOOL AND SET IT ON FIRE… hint-hint)

Oliver: thank you Kitty

Oliver runs to the crowd of people next to a sinister lake tying balloons to their backs and floating around

Petunia: OH GUYS, OLIVER IS NEW AT THIS SO IM GONA GET HIM STARTED OK? (Ties two balloons to Oliver's pants) do you know how to play balloon fight?

Oliver: …on NES I do, but-

Petunia: -well this is the real life version; your object is to get as close to the lake surface with out getting eaten by Sebastian

Oliver: who's Sebastian! (Oliver hears Hugh's silent mime screams and turns around seeing him getting swallowed by a giant fish) …oh… I'm not too sure about this guys

Stinky: NON SENSE! (Pushes Oliver and Oliver hovers over the lake) we only lose about five people during this game anyways!

Oliver: REALLY REASSURING (struggling in the air)

Sebastian: (jumps out of the lake and grabs Oliver by his pants)

Oliver: HEY! THAT'S MINE (kicks the fish and the fish rips Oliver's pants off)

Fang: (gives Oliver the Wolf whistle and everyone starts laughing at Oliver)

Oliver: GRRRRRRRR

(Back at the barbecue)

Kiki: so why the heck do you even like Oliver! He's a freak I don't understand that

Kitty: I told you Kiki, he's cute and silly, and very sweet when he wants to be. He CAN be mature if he wants to be (hears Oliver shouting and turns around and sees Oliver)

Oliver: (Hovering over the lake smacking his butt) WHATS THE MATTER? ARE YOU STILL HUNGRY? YOU WANT SOME MORE? (Sebastian jumps out of the lake and Oliver kicks him away) YEAH! CANT TOUCH THIS!

Kitty: (covers her eyes in embarrassment)

Kiki: …mature huh?

Oliver: (his boxers with hearts start falling down) SOMEBODY HELP ME GET DOWN! (Pulling them back up) AHHHHH! (Floats his way back to the ground and takes off the balloons)

Stinky: MY TURN! (Hovers over the lake throwing pennies into Sebastian's mouth) HEH HEH! (All of a sudden an arrow shoots by and pops Stinky's balloon) WHAT THE HEL-(Sebastian swallows stinky)

Belle: OH MY GOSH! WHO POPED STINKY'S BALOON?

Bubbles start coming up from under the water, and then Stinky shoots up out of the water and lands on the land with bite marks all over him.

Stinky: heh heh…Suck fart! (Dusts himself off laughing) who popped my balloon?

Kitty: LUNCH IS READY! (Holds up a sandwich to take a bite, then it gets blown out of her hand by an arrow) AHHH!

Cupig: (by the forest and runs out of arrows) CRAP! (Runs after kitty throwing bricks) REEEEVEENNNGEEEE!

Oliver: (turns around and sees Cupig) …wha?

Kitty: (gets up and then Cupig pushes her down and looks at her sandwiches)

Cupig: nice lunch ya made (stomps on them and smears them all over her dress) MUAHAHAHA!

Kitty: (starts crying)

Cupig: DON'T START WITH THE WATER WORKS! HOW DO YA THINK I FELT WHEN YOU MADE RESSETTI A FREAK? (Squirts mustard all over her dress) I THINK YOU CAN HANDLE A COUPLE OF SANDWICH CASUALTIES! Besides, why the hell do you like a human anyways!

Oliver: HEY! (Runs over) LEAVE HER ALONE!

Cupig: (looks at Oliver) WHERES YOUR PANTS LOSER?

Oliver: (punches Cupig) SHUT UP

Cupig: (trips over the trampled sandwiches and fly's into the barbecue, then the lid shuts and locks) aw crap (banging on the lid) GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Oliver: (runs over to the barbecue and turns up the dial) LETS KICK THIS UP A NOTCH!

Emeril: (throwing spices) BAM! BAM!

Cupig: (screaming) AHHHHH! IT BURRRNS! ITS HOT! …ooo! An apple!

Oliver: (turns to kitty and helps her up) you ok?

Kitty: (amazed Oliver actually saved her…because usually he's really shallow and shy) yup

Crowd of animals: WHATS FOR LUNCH NOW?

Cupig: (burps) I'm not finished yet…I shall have my… (No more noise)

Oliver: (stares at the barbecue) …stuffed pig… (Opens the barbecue and sees Cupig has an apple in his mouth and those fancy papers on his feet) ha ha! (Puts him on a plate)

Crowd of animals: (staring) …fine with us (digging in)

Oliver: (eating) sorry about your dress kitty

Kitty: ehh…its ok ill be right back (runs home to change)

Stinky: (hitting on Kiki) so babe, did ya get your ticket yet?

Kiki: for what?

Stinky: the gun show (flexes his arm and kisses his very tiny bicep)

Kiki: how lame

Stinky: (looks down and lowers his ears) s-sorry

Kiki: but I like you anyways

Stinky: (secretly smiles)

Oliver: maybe I should go home and grabs some pants

Stinky: (sarcastic tone) nah, really?

Oliver: …never mind (sticks tongue out at Stinky)

Kitty: (skipping back) DOO DEE DOOO DEE DOO! Hey guys!

Oliver: (shoves stinky off the end of the table and he falls off) sit next to me Kitty!

Kitty: (sits next to Oliver and uses Stinky as a foot rest) heh

Stinky: lets eat the cake!

Oliver: (stares at the cake, sort of getting freaked out because the picture looks like to guys kissing, he then glares at Wendell as the hungry painter stuffs his face full of food)

Wendell: (cries while eating) so hungry… must have… food… just lost… ten pounds… please help…

Petunia: (leans over to grab a biscuit and Wendell accidentally grabs her hand and starts to eat it) uh…excuse me sir (Wendell slurps her arm up) you are kind of (He slurps her in more) eating my arm

Wendell: (slurps her up all the way and swallows her, realizes his mistake, shrugs his shoulders, then continues eating) so hungry…

Oliver: (getting mad) HEY FATTY! SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US!

Wendell: (takes a bite out of the table)

Oliver: … (Grabs the cake) MINE!

Kitty: (stares disgusted at Wendell's stomach, which is shaking back and fourth from what Kitty assumes to be trying to find a way out…besides the usual)

Astrid: who will cut the cake? (Looks around fast and gets out a butcher knife)

Wendell: SO HUNGRY! MUST…HAVE…CUPCAKES! (Grabs the cake and swallows it)

Kiki: (aggravated) HEY! I WANTED SOME TOO!

Stinky: well I would avenge your stolen cake, but I'm afraid that Wendell might mistake me for the second-course!

Wendell: (all hears from stinky is "me, and second course" so he puts the two together and chases Stinky around the park)

Stinky: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oliver: HEY! THAT'S MY FRIEND YOU'RE TRYING TO EAT! (Chases after Wendell)

Wendell: (tackles Stinky) so hungry (cries) must have FOOOOOOD!

Oliver: (tackles Wendell) STOP IT!

Stinky: GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF (high pitch scream)

Oliver: (throws a dough nut) FETCH IT FATTY!

Wendell: (flopping like a real Walrus) WOOF! WOOF!

Kitty: HEY! STOP FOOLING AROUND!

Oliver: (looks back) I'm not! He was trying to eat Stinky!

Stinky: this is nuts! (Sees Wendell give Stinky a hungry stare after he finishes his doughnut) …I uh…gotta go (runs off to hide)

Oliver: HEY WENDELL! GET OVER HERE!

Wendell: (runs to look for Stinky)

(to be continued...)


	7. Chipper the Fraud

Chapter 7 Chipper the fraud.

(A.N.: I am so sorry it took so long to update. School got in the way. so i made this episode extra long. Oh and BTW, this is Script From. Id like to call it a PLAY! NOT ROLE PLAY PEOPLE! ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A SCRIPT! KIND OF LIKE ROMEO AND JULET! AND JULLIUS CAESAR! it is for acting out. when you get to some parts, it might not be funny unless you act it out. so have fun and read it aloud. i love you all! now enjoy, read and review please!)

Stinky: (running and screaming like a mad man) OLIVER!

Oliver: (running after Wendell) COME BACK HERE YOU BIG TOOTHED BITCH!

Wendell: (flopping and bellowing after stinky like a real walrus would) so hungry… lost ten pounds… just thinking of… DOUGHNUTS! Must… eat… annoying… CAT!

Stinky: (loses Wendell for a brief moment) (thinking to himself: ok… where could I go, where no one would ever think to look for me? (Looks around) hmm a library? …nah… the Doodaloo traveling circus! …nope… A STRANGE VEHICLE WITH A CREEPY MAN WAVING ME TO COME IN? …eww

Wendell: RAHHHHH! (Almost caught up to stinky)

Stinky: THE MUSEUM! (Runs as fast as his four leg can carry him)

(Inside is Blathers, "admiring" Oliver's twisted pretzel train)

Blathers: fantastic! Simply fantast-

Stinky: -GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! (Locks the front door s and runs past Blathers) cant you see he's going to EAT ME? (Runs over Blathers and into the bug exhibit)

Wendell: (sees the door is locked, so he "makes a door of his own" and blasts through the wall) FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Oliver: (blasts through the wall next to the hole Wendell made) FREEEEAAAAAAK!

Wendell: (flops over Blathers, squishing him flat and then stands up) where are you my dumpling? Mmmm so hungry… thoughts of dumplings… ENRAGING ME! MUST EAT! (Picks up on of the few random people in the museum) SNACK!

Chipper: woah woah hold on there buddy! I'm chipper! The art dealer! Don't eat me!

Wendell: art… makes… me… HUNGRY

Oliver: PUT THAT SQUIRREL DOWN! (Takes the crowbar out of the train)

Chipper: (gets dropped by Wendell and gets real nervous because Oliver looks psycho holding that crowbar) why did you… TAKE THAT CROWBAR OUT OF THAT MAGNIFICENT WORK OF ART?

Oliver: because- (chasses off Wendell) IM GOING TO KILL HIM!

Chipper: (grabs Oliver's shirt)

Oliver: that train is mine anyways, so I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

Chipper: you created this… bee-you-tee-full (blows a kiss into the air) work of art? YOU'RE A GENIUS!

Oliver: what?

Chipper: a genius! You my friend, are going to be rich!

Oliver: I am?

Chipper: you can be famous!

Oliver: no way

Chipper: if I wasn't up to my neck in masterpieces at home (whispers: or broke…) you my friend, could name your price (clutches his shirt and gets blood shot eyes) and I would buy!

Oliver: really?

Chipper: please let me sell it for you, what is your asking price?

Oliver: …30,000 bells

Chipper: PERFECT

Later that evening, Oliver went home happy that he may have a new career

Whisp and Rodger are sitting on the couch with their eyes fixed intensely to the T.V. and their faces are covered in cheesy worm powder (A.N.: the cheetoes for the animals in the town of Doodaloo.)

(On the T.V.)

Narrator: And welcome back, to Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, tonight on HIJKLMNO family

Head-Elf: Ok Hermey, what's your problem! Why can't you get any work done around here!

Hermey: well-well I was thinking-

Head Elf: THINKING!

Hermey: I don't really like making toys…

Head Elf: DON'T LIKE MAKING TOYS? What are you talking about? What kind of elf doesn't like to make toys?

Hermey: well I was thinking about getting into a different career

Head Elf: DIFFERENT CAREER? (his face turns red and starts to breathe heavily) well if you don't like to make toys, then what the hell do you wanna do for a living!

Hermey: well I wanna be…

Head Elf: yes?

Hermey: I want

Head Elf: YES?

Hermey: I

Head Elf: WELL WHAT IS IT?

Hermey: I want to become a Hair Stylist

Head Elf: HAIR STYLIST? WHAT KINDA ELF ARE YOU ANYWAYS! YOU AINT NO FAIRY! What the heck are you anyways? A FAGGOT? Now get your salon thoughts out of your empty head and join us at the choir so we can sing for Santa (walks out the door and opens it and yells at Hermey) AND YOU HAVE TO GO TOO…Fruity boy (slams the door and storms off)

Hermey: (flops his hand at the door) Oh that Bitch... (Starts crying and starts to sing) Why—am I such a fag—got? All of the gay jokes, I'VE HA—D IT! I don't need to put up with this stupid shit, I'll go find a place…to fit in…

Rudolf: don't cry!

Yukon Cornelius: Yeah, come with us, were all misfits and were gonna find a place to fit in!

Rudolf: everyone hates me cause of my red nose

Hermey: Oh, I thought it was makeup…

Rudolf: …

Hermey: (turns to Yukon) why are you a misfit? I can't see anything wrong with you!

Yukon Cornelius: I'm a transsexual!

Hermey: …

Whisp: eh….

Oliver: (rings the door bell) hello? CAN YOU COUPLE OF MORONS LET ME IN?

Whisp: …Oliver wants in

Rodger: (loosens his belt, letting his new pot-belly stick out) meh…

Oliver: fine, I'll go over to Stinky's place! (Turns around and bumps into Stinky)

Stinky: hey Oliver (gets out a key, letting himself in)

Oliver: HEY! (Tries to come in but Stinky shuts the door on his face) SINCE WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET MY KEYS?

Stinky: Tom Nook sells them

Oliver: …(walks off) stupid son-of-a-freaks… selling my house keys… (Walks to kitty's house)

Kitty: (sitting on her garden wall) ehem… (Sings kitty songs to the moon)

Oliver: (covering his ears) WHO THE HELL IS DOING THAT AWFUL SINGING? (Takes his shoe off and throws it into the direction of the singing)

Kitty: ME-(gets hit by the shoe)-OW! (Falls off the wall) OOF!

Oliver: GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL! (Does a little jig)

Kitty: (holding a paintball gun) who threw that?

Oliver: (shaking his butt) WOO HOO! (Smacks it) COME AND GET IT!

Kitty: (shoots the paint ball gun)

Oliver: (gets hit in the nuts with a bunch of yellow paintballs) MY GROIN! (Hold himself and falls over) THE PAIN!

Kitty: (dancing) uh-huh I rock you suck

Oliver: (gets up slowly) ugh kitty? Is that you?

Kitty: OLIVER? (Runs to him) DID I SHOOT YOU?

Oliver: (nods)

Kitty: (laughs and points) it looks like you wet your pants!

Oliver: yeah… do you have some extra pants?

Kitty: um yeah hold on (walks inside her house)

Chipper: (peeks around the corner) OLIVER! THERE YOU ARE! I sold the… train you wanted me to sell.

Oliver: really? Cool, where's my money?

Chipper: not with me, its in your savings (shifty eyes)

Oliver: alright then

Bianca: (peering at Oliver in the bushes) you die today

Oliver: so I guess I'll go get it

Chipper: wait a second

Bianca: REOWER! (Tackles Oliver) YOU! YOU DREW THIS NASTY HAIRY BUTT ON MY FACE!

Chipper: (grabs her face and stares at it) why miss, are you telling me Oliver drew on your face?

Oliver: (tries to get away but his pants get caught onto the picket fence) crap

Bianca: yeah

Chipper: why you miss, are a bee-you-tee-full (blows a kiss into the air again) work of art

Bianca: I am?

Chipper: why that hairy ass on your face, I just wanna spank it!

Bianca: (oddly blushes, it looks like the butt on her face turned red) ooh! (Poses)

Chipper: I knew it, Oliver is an artist (nods) a real artist!

Bianca: I KNEW I WAS BEAUTIFUL!

Chipper: (thinking: what an idiot) well how do you feel about your face being sold-er put in an exhibit?

Bianca: I think I love you Oliver

Oliver: OH SHIT (runs and his pants rip off) …oops

Kitty: (walks outside and sees Oliver's whitey tighties) oh my gosh Oliver, if you wanted to go streaking you should have told me before I got some pants for you

Oliver: GRRRR

Chipper: (takes a picture of Oliver) IT'S A PERFECT PICTURE OF THIS ARTIST! ILL GO PUT IT ON THE INTERNET NOW!

Oliver: NO NO I DON'T WANT THAT

Bianca: come here Oliver, let me kiss you

Oliver: GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF MY FACE!

Bianca: mmmm

Kitty: (her mouth drops to the floor as Bianca "kisses" Oliver) ahhh!

Chipper: (walks off as he grabs Bianca's tail and drags her to the museum)

Oliver: (grabs the pants and puts them on) I hate that cat (wipes his face) hey kitty, can I stay here tonight? My stupid friends won't let me in my house

Kitty: I'd love for you too

Oliver: on second thought, maybe I should go sleep in a hole or something

Kitty: I'm not a freak, come on in

Oliver: no no, that's ok, ill go… dig a hole

Resetti: (pops out of the ground) DID SOMEBODY SAY 'HOLE?'

Oliver: (runs in Kitty's house screaming) AHH!

Resetti: Cupig? Cupig my love, where have you gone? I must show you the ring I bought for us.

Oliver: (looking out the window) I feel really bad for him

Kitty: why?

Oliver: because he doesn't know we all ate Cupig

Kitty: oh

Oliver: ill tell him

Kitty: bad idea

Oliver: ill be fine (opens the door) hey Resetti, I ate Cupig

Resetti: what? What? WHAT? YOU ATE CUPIG? MY LOVE? YOU DIDN'T! (Gets out a shot gun) COME ON OVER HERE AND MAYBE I WONT SHOOT YA!

Oliver: (slowly and cowardly creeps over to Resetti) y-yes?

Resetti: (aims for Oliver's forehead) SAY GOOD NIGHT YOU DISGUSTING HUMAN!

Bianca: (comes back crying) OLIVER (tackles Resetti) DIE YOU LOSER!

Resetti: what? I THOUGHT YOU WERE AFTER OLIVER TOO! (Drops the shot gun)

Bianca: (grabs the shot gun and points it at Resetti) shove this up your-

Resetti: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (grabs her and starts beating the crap out of her)

Oliver: STOP THIS MADNESS! (kicks Resetti's face and grabs Bianca, dragging her away) this is between me, and-(Resetti grabs Oliver and throws him, Oliver flys so far, he goes through his two story window and lands in his bed) …SCORE! Now I don't have to deal with Bianca, or Resetti! (Grabs the sandman's bat, hitting himself on the forehead so he can fall asleep. Because Oliver has been hit in the head so many times, he can't fall asleep properly)

(Next day, Oliver walks down to the museum, because everyone is there)

Chipper: and this (laughs) my friends, is the stupid twisted pretzel train (laughs harder)

Oliver: (walks over and everyone stops laughing) hey guys, what's so funny?

Chipper: (puts arm around Oliver) heh heh nothing of coarse! Now come, gather around everyone! Here is the artist!

Stinky: wow Oliver, you created that? (Points at Bianca and the train)

Oliver: umm… yes?

Chipper: The train had been sold to a young girl, from somewhere in New York, congratulations Oliver! (Shows a picture of Paris Hilton)

Oliver: (eyes go wide) WOW (drools over the picture)

Chipper: who just so happens to be my girlfriend (puts picture in his wallet)

Oliver: wait, you don't even know where she is right now?

Chipper: I know where she is, she is in New York somewhere!

Oliver: (rolls eyes) how can a guy like you get a date like that

Chipper: IM A SQUIRREL! SHE LIKE IT! SHE LIKES SQUIRRELS! NOW GET OVER THERE AND ADVERTISE! (Shoves Oliver next to a board that has a picture of him in his underwear and captions that say "Modern Human Artist") .

Oliver: um… hi (paparazzi starts taking pictures)

Guy 1: how long does it take you to do your work?

Guy 2: what's your big inspiration?

Guy 3: how does it feel being a human who doesn't know a thing about art?

Trix the rabbit: WILL YOU EAT MY CEREAL?

Oliver: what? Wait slow down.

Bianca: (shoves him aside) Enough of Oliver, Look at me! His (Chipper and Bianca blow kisses into the air at the same time) BEE-YOU-TEA-FULL Work of art.

Oliver: (smashes into a garbage can and sees the paparazzi taking pictures of Bianca)

Guy1: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BUTT!

Guy 2: SUCH DETAIL!

Guy 3: HOW CREATIVE!

Bianca: I KNEW I WAS BEAUTIFUL!

Oliver: (laughing) Oh my god

Chipper: so Oliver, do you have any other masterpieces in the process of becoming a (blows a kiss into the air) BEE-YOU-TEA-FUL work of art?

Oliver: well…(remembers the picture he used to smash the swarm of bees a couple chapters ago) I just finished one! (Runs home)

Chipper: heh heh…sucker…OK, WHO WANTS TO SEE ART THAT STUPID HUMANS MAKE? (Everyone begins to throw wads of cash at Chipper)

Oliver: (makes it home) Hmm…where is that picture! (Finds it and runs back)

Chipper: (walks up to Peanut) so babe, did you buy your ticket!

Peanut: …for what?

Chipper: the gun show! (Flexes his muscles and kisses his bicep)

Peanut: …how lame, Stinky said that before and when I heard that from you it got even lame…er

Chipper: …crap…

Oliver: (runs in) I HAVE IT! (Shows him the bee picture) I call it, buzzing today, grease spot tomorrow

Chipper: EXCELENT! By the way, here is a payment for your art sold! (Hands him a check for 30,000 bells) (A.N. which isn't really a problem because he made way more than that on the exhibit)

Oliver: wow! I'm upper crust

Chipper: yeah yeah whatever LISTEN UP PEOPLE! The next leonardo-da-what-cha-ma-call-him just added a new masterpiece to his gallery…(hangs it on the wall) its called…(thinks up a better name almost) look before you cross

(Everyone gasps and gathers around)

Chicken: YOUR MAGNIFICENT!

Lizard: YOUR SO COOL

Dog: ENGENIOUS!

EyeEye: (A.N.: spelling on that is wrong, but it is a real animal) I LOVE YOU OLIVER!

Oliver: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Chipper: I think its from Madagascar…

Oliver: oh…

Doodaloo Times Reporter: can I get a picture with you?

Oliver: sure

Chipper: get it while you can! (Shoves people in the picture out except Oliver) THIS KIDS MAKIN HISTORY!

A few days later…

Oliver: …ahhh…this is the life

Oliver is in Stinky's backyard getting a massage by Phyllis

Oliver: …a little to the left….

Phyllis: yeah uh-huh… (Blows smoke everywhere)

Oliver: (coughing) YOU, YOU NASTY FREAK! PUT THAT THING OUT!

Phyllis: sure thing babe (looks around for an ash tray)

Resetti: (pops out of the ground) …YOU!

Phyllis: (puts the cigarette out in Resetti's eye) shut up!

Resetti: AGH! (Dives underground)

Chipper: (walks in) hey Oliver, were opening a new exhibit, just for your art. And we want you to come on down there and advertise.

Oliver: (gets up) yeah sure ok whatever (shoves Phyllis over and walks out)

(They arrive at the exhibit, everyone is laughing and having a good time looking at Oliver's bad art.)

Wendell: (looking at the Bee disaster) I don't get it, this is a piece of crap. All the fat in my arteries may be blocking off the blood to my brain, but I still know my art.

Oliver: what? What you say punk? You wanna fight?

Wendell: I'm sure you fight as bad as your art.

Oliver: THAT'S IT! IF YOU KNOW ART SO WELL, LETS GO RIGHT NOW! HAVE A CONTEST RIGHT HERE!

Wendell: sure ok

Oliver: AND YOUR GONA HAVE TO PAINT SOMETHING BETTER THAN A HAMBURGER TO BEAT ME!

Wendell: no problem

Oliver: (gets out a piece of paper and a pen) I CHALLENGE YOU (sharpens the pen because he's so angry)

Wendell: (gets out a paintbrush) nuhh (sits and begins to paint on the wall)

Chipper: who's going to be the judge?

Wendell: how about our loyal fans? (A big crash noise comes from behind Wendell and he turns around)

Drunkn Frog: you, you want to start something?

Oliver: perfect, a drunk is in my exhibit

Drunkn Frog: ill judge, for I always judge art. Even ask aerolink (holds up a head which he uses as a flask)

Aerolink: its true…

Drunkn Frog: SHUT UP

Aerolink: I hate you…

Drunkn Frog: WELL I HATE YOU TOO!

Oliver: ….o-Kay… I think were all missing something here

Drunkn Frog: WHAT?

Aerolink: you can visit me in gallery 9 Mary Lue-

Drunkn Frog: EVERYONE KNOWS ALREADY

Wendell: I think we should do this tomorrow… SO! Tomorrow! Bring your best work of art!

Oliver: why not right now?

Wendell: fine! Let me go get my best piece (waddles off)

Stinky: Oliver, you haven't made any art since that bee picture. You cant enter something that is already in a gallery

Oliver: then ill make something! (Draws on the piece of paper he grabbed earlier)

Stinky: THAT LOOKS LIKE CRAP!

Oliver: WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS? (Shows a picture of Oliver throwing crap at Wendell)

Stinky: no, I MEAN YOUR DRAWING SUCKS!

Chipper: (covers Stinky's mouth and drags him away) X-nay on the draw-ay YOU MORON! (Shakes Stinky) where supposed to show how much Oliver's drawings suck! It shows animals art is way better than humans' art! BECAUSE ALL HUMANS ARE THE SAME! (Bites his tongue)

Stinky: (scared face) your scaring me

Chipper: I SCARE SIX OUT OF FIVE CHILDREN (blood shot eyes)

Stinky: …wow, what a freak

Oliver: (puts his art up) there!

Wendell: (comes back with a box of toaster strudels) I couldn't find my art, so ill have to make some (lights dim)

Oliver: what the hell

(A giant spot light shines down on the Pillsbury doughboy who comes strutting in)

Wendell: hope you don't mind me hiring a model

Pillsbury Doughboy: (crosses his arms and nods like in the commercials) its time to STRUDEL DOODLE! (Does a play boy pose)

Wendell: (takes the icing and draws on the strudel, somehow it ends up looking like a real picture instead of a doodle) finished

Oliver: WHAT THE HELL HOW DID YOU DO THAT WITH ONLY ONE COLOR?

Wendell: (about to eat it) duh I don't know

Oliver: RRRAHHHH! (Rips his shirt like the hulk)

Drunkn Frog: (stumbles over to the pictures) mmm WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? (Points at Oliver's picture)

Oliver: its your mom

Drunkn Frog: MY MOMS DEAD!

Oliver: fine, its your dad

Drunkn Frog: HE DIED TOO!

Oliver: then its your mom's mom

Drunkn Frog: my mom doesn't have a mom

Oliver: ITS ME THROWING CRAP AT WENDELL!

Drunkn Frog: VERY FRICKN ORIGINAL! Were the hell did you come up with that idea

Oliver: FROM MY POORLY CONTROLED ANGER!

Drunkn Frog: I give it a 1 out of 5, (snatches it and tears it up)

Stinky: oooooooohhhh! YOU GOT DISSED

Kitty: (shakes her head and walks out)

Oliver: (sits down) what did I do wrong?

Drunkn Frog: HOW BOUT EVERYTHING? (Squints at the Toaster Strudel) NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL PORNO IN ABSTRACT FORM!

Wendell: neigh…(eats it)

Chipper: well, that's it, you've been beaten. Your through, it's a sham

Oliver: what? Whadda ya me it's a sham?

Chipper: your not artist, you're a loser, a mental patient, A FREAK!

Oliver: (stands up) what? I am not

Chipper: shows how stupid humans can be

Oliver: DON'T MAKE FUN OF THE HUMAN RACE OR ILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH

Chipper: I made all the money, you are nothing. Everyone just wanted to see how bad your art is. And, they paid ME money to look at it! YOU GET NOTHING BUT A SLAP IN THE FACE! (Slaps Oliver)

Oliver: (falls down) that's it!

Chipper: ooh what ya gonna do, grab an elephant gun and chase me off? Go find your girlfriend, she misses the old Oliver

Oliver: (grabs an elephant gun) GREAT IDEA! (Points it at Chipper) NO ONE INSULTS THE HUMAN RACE! NOBODY! (Shoots Chippers hat off)

Chipper: (tiny eyes) erm… ill be leaving now

Oliver: NOT WITH OUT A GOOD BYE (shoots his mullet off)

Chipper: AHHH! (Jumps out the window)

Oliver: COME BACK, YOU HAVENT SEEN MY BEST PIECE YET! (Shoots at him again) chipper n bits!

Kitty: (shots Oliver before he shoots Chipper) don't, please

Oliver: LET ME AT HIM! I WANNA HAVE ME A DEAD SQUIRREL!

Kitty: Oliver your scaring me!

Oliver: I SCARE SIX OUT OF FIVE CHILDREN NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY

Kitty: BUT I CARE ABOUT YOU

Oliver: NO YOU DON'T, NOBODY DOES! THAT'S WHY I MOVED HERE! CAUSE NO ONE CARES!

Kitty: (slaps Oliver) SHUT UP!

Oliver: …

Kitty: (pushes Oliver) YOU THINK YOUR SOME TOUGHT GUY? HUH?

Oliver: YES I DO! (Tries to move her out of his way) now please don't make me lose him. He made me look like a big idiot in front of everyone

Kitty: your making yourself look like a big idiot!

(Mean while)

Chipper: (talking on his cell phone) Paris baby, come and get me I'm being chased by a freak. He found out that I made him look like a big idiot and now I'm running off with his money!

Paris Hilton: wait wait, let me return you call im doing a double Commercial. I'm advertising for Carl's Junior and for next year's bull riding competition

Chipper: YOU SLUT! I TOLD YOU! NO SEXY COMMERCIALS!

Paris Hilton: screw you, I love the attention

Chipper: THAT'S IT! PICK ME UP THAT WAY I CAN DUMP YOU!

Paris Hilton: (takes a picture of her fat ass with her camera phone and sends it to chipper) you know you want that

Chipper: EWW (throws his phone)

(Back to kitty and Oliver)

Kitty: (crying) I though you loved me

Oliver: I DO BABY! I JUST WANNA KILL CHIPPER!

Kitty: no, you just love killing things more

Oliver: THAT'S SO NOT TRUE (shifty eyes) I value life! …..to a certain level!

Kitty: (hugs Oliver and crying on his shoulder)

Oliver: (thinking: aw shit, I bet he ran off already… with his rich hot… girlfriend…) don't cry please

Kitty: (crying uncontrollably) YOU HURT ME SO BADLY

Oliver: I did not get a hold of yourself

Kitty: YOU'RE SUCH A JERK! Maybe humans DO suck! (Runs off sobbing)

Oliver: oh great I know I'm going to regret this later (grabs his gun and chases after chipper)

(End of Chapter...)


	8. A Terrible Vacation

(A.N.: I own the characters Oliver, and Chipper. No one else, enjoy)

Oliver: (running through the bushes, he get berry juice all over him) ugh, YUCK! (Wiping it, but it just smears all over his face and clothes) shoot

Steve Erwin: (being filmed) alright, we are 'ere, to film one of the most dangerous bugs in the world. The man-eating banana slug! Able to leap over six feet at its pray, and suck the blood out and save it for lata'! GOURGEOUS! Let's take a ganda'! (Turns around) it is also one of the most endangered species I have ever see-(Oliver runs out of the bushes and squishes the slug)

Oliver: NASTY!

Steve Erwin: IT'S A NATIVE! AND 'E SEEM 'TA BE KILLIN THE SLUG!

Oliver: (holds up his shotgun)

Steve Erwin: 'ee seems to be holding some sort of stick, fashioned with a material that has the liking ness of steel!

Oliver: it's called a shotgun you moron

Steve Erwin: AMAZING! He speaks English, he just might be the missing link!

Oliver: (rolls eyes and continues searching for chipper)

(Meanwhile chipper try's to get a ride in a boat at the river)

Chipper: so, how far will this get me? (Holds up 23 cents)

Pocahontas: (sings) just around the river be—nd

Chipper: (throws her raccoon in her face and steals her boat while Meeko mauls her face) MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Oliver: (hears Chipper laughing) …he's near! (Runs in the direction, he soon sees chipper) …HEY! (Runs through the water) COME BACK HERE SNAKE!

Chipper: screw you Oliver! MUAHAHAHA! IM ON THE LAMB!

Oliver: not now! This Shepard's gonna shoot the lamb! (Jumps in the boat and points the gun at Chipper) ANY LAST WORDS?

Chipper: AHHHH! DON'T SHOOT PLEASE! I DIDDNT MEAN TO STAB YOU IN THE BACK, AND TAKE OFF WITH ALL OF YOUR MONEY!

Oliver: (grinds teeth and gets blood-shot eyes) SHUT UP! SAY YOU'RE PRAYERS!

Chipper: WAIT, WAIT! Ill give you ANYTHING! Just don't shoot me

Oliver: GIVE ME ALL MY MONEY THAT I DESERVE

Chipper: I CANT, I SPENT IT ALL!

Oliver: on what?

Chipper: me and my girlfriends' vacation

Oliver: HAND IT OVER!

Chipper: … (Slowly hands him a big envelope)

Oliver: thank you (knocks chipper out, takes his wallet and ties him to a tree) ahhh…the right full order has been restored

Stinky: what's right about it?

Oliver: GAH! NEEDABAWA…were you watching me the whole time!

Stinky: (slowly makes a huge smile)

Rodger: (crawls out of the bushes) we wanted to see a dead body

Oliver: you guys that's stupid, I was threatening him to get back my money (shifty eyes) now lets see here (opens the envelop and pulls out four annual passes) …why is there four tickets instead of two? And why were they going to Dusneyland? 'The sappiest place on earth.'

Rodger: rumor has it they were gonna make babies on one of the rides! (Ponders.)

Oliver: YOU CANT DO THAT AT DUSNEYLAND! THERE ARE CAMERAS EVERYWHERE!

Rodger: exactly, good publicity!

Oliver: (mutters) stupid…

Rodger: (using Chipper's finger to pick his nose) so…are you gonna go?

Oliver: maybe kitty will forgive me, if I surprise her with these tickets

Rodger: buying people gifts isn't a good way to solve problems you created

Oliver: well she isn't a person, AND I didn't buy these! Heh heh heh

Rodger and Stinky look at each other confused as Oliver runs off to find Kitty. A couple of minutes later, he finds Kitty in a tree.

Kitty: I can't believe how stupid he is.

Bird that kitty is holding on to: well it sounds like he has a hormone imbalance or a mental problem.

Kitty: …

Bird: …can I go now?

Kitty: … (Eats the bird)

Oliver: (hears munching noises) huh? (Looks up) kitty…? ….eww

Kitty: Oliver?

Oliver: Kitty, I'm sorry please come down from there!

Kitty: go away

Oliver: I got you a present!

Kitty: you think that's gonna make everything better! … (Hops down) WHAT IS IT?

Oliver: I BOUGHT YOU 4 ANNUAL PASSES TO DUSNEYLAND!

Kitty: OLIVER!

Oliver: I know, its ok, you don't need to freak out! I love you that much

Kitty: YOU'RE A MORON! Why the hell did you blow that much cash because of something like this!

Oliver: because… I love you, and we need a vacation from this hell hole anyways! (Smiles widely)

Kitty: …I like this so called "hell hole"

Oliver: TOO DAMN BAD WERE GOING! And Stinky and Rodger are going too! (Forces her to kiss him) ….YUCK (spitting out bird body parts) UGH GROSS! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN EATING?

Kitty: bird munchies! (Takes out a bag full of half-alive bird and eats one) mmmm! (Smiles with feathers stuck between her teeth)

Oliver: (about to puke)

One of the birds looks at Oliver in the bag.

Bird: …please kill me

Kitty: want one?

Oliver: (green faced) no thanks

Kitty: (eating them like popcorn)

Stinky: (jumps out of the bushes) DID SOMBODY SAY MY NAME?

Oliver: ….no

Stinky: I thought you did

Oliver: I don't think so

Kitty: yeah, you said stink and Rodger was coming too

Stinky: (nods)

Oliver: when?

Kitty: just a few seconds ago

Oliver: no I did not!

Kitty: go ahead and scroll up, its right up there

Oliver: (mumbling while reading to himself) nemenemtoo bad…namaenemstinky and Rodger…coming too! …what the hell am I looking at?

Kitty: don't you know there's a person recording what were saying?

Oliver: THEY CHANGED WHAT I SAID! COMUNIST! CHANGING THE MEDIA TO GLORIFY THE STATE! AHHHH-

Me: (stops typing) oh sorry…key jam…now lets see…oh yes (begins typing again)

Oliver: AHHHHHH!

Kitty: don't be stupid Oliver

Oliver: …that was weird…

Rodger: (snatches the tickets and reads them) …these tickets! We can go to Dusneyland RIGHT NOW!

Oliver: how bout, we all hop onto the train, take off and we'll arrive in Anaheim tomorrow morning!

Kitty: great idea! Ill meet you at the train station Oliver! (Runs to the train station)

Oliver: (walks to his house and starts packing)

Whisp: (coloring on the walls) where ya going?

Oliver: Dusneyland

Whisp: oh… I used to work at a studio in Anaheim! Remember? I was a forecaster!

Oliver: weather man stupid

Whisp: same thing

Oliver: well, I better get down to the train station.

Whisp: wait; let me warn you about Dusneyland! Don't ride the Sky Scraper of Scare! It's real demented and stupid.

Oliver: but I always wanted to go onto that ride!

Whisp: take my advice…. Don't go on it

Oliver: (rolls eyes) sure ok (walks to the train station) hi Kitty!

Kitty: (sitting on the bench with Rodger and Stinky) …hi

Rodger: YO! CURIOUS GEORGE! When is the train coming!

C. George: mmmmabie

Rodger: …not is, when!

C. George: I don't know… ill go see (walking down the railroad tracks)

Stinky: (sings) Curious George, the filthy little monkey. What did he throw, let's wait and see

Kitty: SHUT UP! HE CAN HEAR YOU!

Suddenly there's a flash and the train appears out of no where with a grease spot on the nose of the engine cart)

Stinky: I guess he didn't know they upgraded to bullet trains…

The door to the train opens up.

Conductor: OK, IF YOUR FREAKIN GOING TO ANAHEIM, I COURDUALLY INVITE YOU TO GET YOUR BUTT INSIDE THIS CAR!

(Everyone gets in)

As they board the train, they notice that the train has an unbearable odor…and only an old wart hog is on the train, who is snoozing away.

Stinky: EWW! LOOK AT THAT OLD SACK OF BONES

Joan: (wakes up screaming) EEEDAWA GEHNA, GONA GO WHAT THE? ….

Oliver: (stares at her)

Joan: HELLO GENTELMAN! (Pats the seat next to her)

Oliver: … (Sits all the way in the back)

Joan: (follows him and sits next to him) HI

Oliver: KITTY!

Kitty: aww…you made a friend!

Joan: you smell like grapes…IM ALERGIC TO GRAPES!

Oliver: whatever (gets up)

Joan: (sits him down) WERE YOU GOING YOUNG ONE?

Oliver: …U.S.A. …

Joan: …can I come too?

Oliver: do you even know were that is?

Joan: …no…

Oliver: …WEVE JUST ARIVED! QUICK! LET'S GET OUT BEFORE THEY PULL AWAY!

Joan: HOLD ON BABY IMA COMMIN! (Runs out of the train and runs into a telephone pole while the train is pulling away)

Oliver: there we go (sits next to kitty)

Kitty: (pats Oliver's head) so how long is this trip gonna take?

Oliver: well, should take about a couple-(falls asleep)

Stinky: aww…Chasing that back stabber must have been hard work!

7 hours later the train comes to a stop and it makes Oliver wake up with a start.

Oliver: (slowly opens his eyes)

Kitty: (giggling) has the prince finally awaken?

Oliver: yup (stretches) how much longer?

Kitty: this is our stop

Stinky and Rodger are laughing their stupid little heads off.

Oliver: what's so freakin funny?

Stinky: nothing…

Rodger: kitty told us a joke

Oliver: can I hear it?

Kitty: …I forgot it (looks away)

Oliver: (shrugs and gets their luggage)

Conductor: Now arriving at Anaheim, all those who (looks at Oliver's face while he's walking toward the conductor) WOAH!

Oliver: WHAT!

Conductor: n-nothing mam, err sir heh heh?

Oliver: … (Steps out with everybody)

All of the people at the train station are staring at Oliver like his head turned into a butt.

Oliver: …what the hell are you staring at?

Everyone continues to do their chores minding their own business.

Oliver: …so… (Takes out the envelope) it appears that we have a hotel.

Kitty: why wouldn't we?

Oliver: …I mean…um… (Takes out a map) I meant our hotel it on…DUSNEYLAND DRIVE and it is…right behind us…

Kitty: …convenient.

Oliver: well let's check in! (Walks into the hotel) I have a reservation for Chipper.

Clerk: …OH, you must be Mrs. Hilton.

Oliver: what are you talking about? (Sees his reflection in the mirror and sees that his face is completely covered in makeup) AHHHHHH!

Clerk: are you ok madam?

Oliver: NOOO! … (Breathes deep) …ok, can I just check in now?

Clerk: I'm sorry; your check in time is at 9.

Oliver: …its 9: 30

Clerk: not by my clock (the hand is stuck at 8:59) I'm sorry mam, but you may only check in at your appropriate check in time

Oliver: ARE YOU SERIOUS? First of all, your clock is behind, second of all it's only a minute until "9" o'clock.

Clerk: I'm sorry for the inconvenience madam, but you must wait until you're-

Oliver: IM NOT A WOMAN!

Clerk: Oh, so Mr. Chipper is the woman

Oliver: YOU IDIOT, IM NOT GAY someone put make up all over my face while I was sleeping. AND FINE, ILL WAIT ONE FREAKIN MINUTE FOR THE CLOCK TO STRIKE NINE! (Squints at her) I hope your happy (stares at the clock)

Fifteen minutes later.

Oliver: (still staring and the clock hasn't moved at all) …YOUR CLOCK IS DEAD

Clerk: Excuse me madam, are you suggesting that my clock is incorrect

Oliver: OBVIOUSLY! BECAUSE IT NEEDS NEW BATERIES! JUST LET ME SIGN IN NOW!

Clerk: IM SORRY SIR BUT I CAN'T DO THAT

Oliver: Why not?

Clerk: You need to wait until your appropriate check in time

Oliver: … (Counting to ten, trying not to explode)

Clerk: if it will make you happy, I can have the batteries changed

Oliver: YES! PLEASE! (Grips the marble counter which starts to crack)

Clerk: (puts in a new battery and the hand immediately moves so it shows nine o' clock)

Oliver: (scribbles down checkout information) THERE! Now give me my dang keys.

Clerk: (slowly hands Oliver keys which are snatched out of his hand and he storms off to his room.)

Kitty: (anime starry eyes) does this mean we get to sleep in the same room on the same bed at the same time?

Oliver: yeah I guess so… (Washing his face off)

Kitty: (swoons and falls onto the bed) me and Oliver! Alone! Together! Oh how romantic!

Oliver: don't get too excited, ill probably sleep on the floor

Kitty: what? NO! YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH ME! (Shows her teeth)

Oliver: (eye pupils go tiny) o-ok

Kitty: good Oliver, now, lets all take a shuttle to Dusneyland! (Skips out the door)

Oliver: (walks out the door and sees Rodger and Stinky)

Rodger: Oliver, this is gay, I have to sleep in the same room with that weirdo

Stinky: you know you want to (laughs)

Rodger: CAN I GET MY OWN ROOM PLEASE?

Oliver: you have to buy it yourself

Rodger: fine… ill sleep in the same room, but no force in heaven or hell will get me in the same bed with that stink! (Points at Stinky who is scratching his butt, picking his nose and laughing like an idiot) …see?

Oliver: good luck (walks out to the shuttle)

Kitty: I SAVED YOU A SEAT! IT'S NEAR THE FRONT! (Has her face up against the window) COME SIT NEXT TO ME!

Oliver: (steps onto the shuttle stair, he looks up and sees a big fat lady smoking a big cigar driving it, she has matted hair and hair on her lips, making it look like she has a mustache… and she has a big hairy mole on her right cheek)

Lady: hey bub, where to-(coughing)-oo?

Oliver: Dusneyland please

Lady: Dusneyland huh? Yeah I used to work there, I was skinny back then too… but I got depressed when they fired me from yelling at some kid, so I let myself go…

Oliver: (not paying attention) how sad

Lady: yep…wow, you are such a compassionate guy, you understand my pain…I like that… (Stares at Oliver and smiles, showing she has missing teeth)

Oliver: (sits next to kitty and leans closely) that lady gives me the creeps

Lady: (whooping cough as she drives and gags… and hacks tobacco into a old mop bucket) UUGHHHH HOOKK HAAACKKK UGHH UUULLLLLHHHH

Kitty: (smiles the whole way there)

(About thirty minutes later… they arrive! Yay!)

Kitty: I want to go to Messed up Land!

Rodger: I WANT A PRETZEL!

Stinky: I want some candy and a funny hat and a pretzel while were on our way to Messed up Land!

Oliver: what do I look like a walking talking wallet? The only person who I'm gonna pay for is me… and Kitty.

Kitty: yay!

Oliver: so screw you both

Rodger: (looks down) aww

Oliver: NO COMPLAINING!

Stinky: (snickers and whispers to Rodger) it's ok, I stole some money out of his wallet anyways!

They begin to stand in a long line waiting to get in.

Kitty: Oliver my feet hurt

Oliver: don't look at me, I can't carry you

Kitty: please? (Tugs on his shirt)

Oliver: hell no

Kitty: (sad face)

Rodger: (hands the ticket to the lady and gets right in)

Stinky: (does a cartwheel and jumps in)

Kitty: (skips in)

Lady: ticket please (puts out her hand)

Oliver: (hands her the ticket)

Lady: (scanning it but it just beeps and the light wont turn green for him to pass) hmmm… what's wrong with this thing (beep) ugh come on (beep) get in there (beep) dang it (beep)

Oliver: (taps his foot)

Lady: sir, did you hand me a fake ticket

Oliver: what? No…

Lady: sir please don't raise your voice I'm doing my best

Oliver: Im not raising my voice! (Kicks the machine and the light turns green)

Lady: please don't harass me sir, it was a computer error

Oliver: I'm not!

Security guard: is there a problem here sir?

Oliver: no

Lady: he's yelling at me and is vandalizing park property.

Oliver: I AM NOT! (snatches his ticket)

Lady: OH GOD, HE STOLE A TICKET!

Oliver: (rolls his eyes and grabs a map)

Lady: …AND A MAP!

Security guard: were gonna have to call in for back up! (pressing the silent alarm over and over again which makes a noise that sounds like Mickey Mouse giggling)

Janator: Back up here

Oliver: THEYRE HITTING ME! (points at the two people)

Janator: ILL SHOW YOU TO PICK ON BIG HEADED KIDS! (fighting them)

Lady: (being punched) have a nice day sir

Oliver: ILL HAVE A NICE DAY ALRIGHT! (Walks slowly through)

Lady: (whispers) freak….

Kitty: COME ON OLIVER LETS GO TOO MESSED UP LAND!

Oliver: I'm coming-I'm coming

Rodger: (runs to the pretzel man) ONE PRETZEL PLEASE

Man: (blows smoke in his face) that'll be 17 dollars (points at the sign which says "1 pretzel, $17")

Rodger: SEVENTEEN DOLLARS? FOR A PIECE-OF-CRAP PRETZEL?

Man: I don't make the rules kid now buy or get lost

Rodger: here (takes the pretzel and throws the money in the mans face) I hope your happy!

Man: sucker (turns the sign around and it says "1 pretzel, $4,") (A.N.: still overpriced…) heh what a loser (puts 13 dollars in his own pocket)

Rodger: this pretzel is stale (crunch-crunch) wonder where's the others (looks around and sees them standing in line to the ride Pinocchio)

Oliver: what-where'd you get that? (Points at Stinky, who has a hat on. The hat looks like a joker's hat)

Stinky: (every time his head moves the hat jingles) I got it in that little hat store right there! (Points)

Oliver: save my seat (jumps the walk way chains and runs into the store)

Kitty: (licking a lollipop) hurry Oliver

Oliver: (runs back with a hat that looks like a toilet) HAHAHAHAH! (Slams it on Rodgers head)

Rodger: I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THESE! (Flushes it)

Kitty: (getting in one of the carts) WHEEE! (It pulls away)

Oliver: (jumps in the next one) ALRIGHT! (Pulls away) WOO-WOO-WOO! (The car turns and it shows Pinocchio in a pimp outfit with two other puppets giving him a lap dance while singing)

Pinocchio: HIE DEELEE DEE! STROMBOLI SLEPT WITH ME! IT'S HORRIBLE TO BE A CELEBRITY, and why? Your about to see!

The car turns and shows Gepetto getting drunk and slapping the fairy who comes down from the sky

Gepetto: SHUT UP! I DIDN'T ORDER ANY BODY TO COME DOWN AND GIVE ME A SON! I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!

Fairy: fine, then I shall bring a curse… a curse! On your toys… may they all bring disease to all the children who play with them! (Casting a spell)

Gepetto: and I hope-hick up- your mom dies

Fairy: (Hisses at him)

Oliver: how stupid, I don't remember the movie being like this!

Stromboli: (Grabs Pinocchio and puts him in a bag) YOU GONNA WORK! AND YOUR GONNA LIKE IT! (Poking the bag violently) YOU HEAR ME YOU LITTLE PUPPET?

Oliver: (Gets freaked out by Stromboli's face) eww that's sick

Stromboli: (Throws Pinocchio out onto the stage) DANCE!

Pinocchio: (singing) HIE DEEDLE DEE! I NEED TO TAKE A PEE! IT SUCKS TO BE A CELEBERTY! JUST TAKE IT FROM ME! (Tap dances)

Stromboli: NOT FUNNY ENOUGH (Points a shotgun)

Oliver: I WANT OFF THIS RIDE!

Stromboli: (Turns to Oliver) WELL THAT'S TOO DAMN BAD!

Oliver: (Waves arms around) HELP!

Stromboli: (The robot breaks off of the tracks and walks toward Oliver) COME JOIN MY PUPPET SHOW

Oliver: NO! YOU SMELL LIKE BUTT!

Stromboli: (Gets caught on something and falls over)

Oliver: AHHH! (Stands up and grabs onto Gepetto) GET ME OUT OF HERE

Gepetto: (knocks on Oliver's head to the beat) my li-ttle woo-den head

Jiminy Cricket: (lands on Oliver's shoulder) IT'S THE CURSE! THE CURSE FROM THE FAIRY! RUN! RUN PINNOCCHIO!

Oliver: (jumps back in the cart) GET ME OUT

(The cart moves and pulls into a new room)

Oliver: …what now?

Jiminy Cricket: Uh oh Pinoc, I just dropped my conscience badge! (Bends over to pick it up)

Pinocchio: (shifty eyes and looks at Jiminy's butt) uh…Jiminy, you dropped something else

Jiminy: where?

Pinocchio: (staring intensely) its there, just keep looking… (Nose grows)

Oliver: (ignoring) this ride is really perverted! Pinocchio's nose doesn't grow when he's…happy…

(The cart wheels into the next room and loud music is playing)

Oliver: YAY! (The cart turns the corner and he sees Rodger on stage with two puppet women doing a can-can) WHAT THE HELL?

Rodger: HI DIDDILY DEE, IM A FREAK SO LOOK AT ME!

Oliver: GET IN HERE BEFORE YOU'RE KICKED OUT!

Rodger: … (Hops in) jeez, have some fun once in a-(Oliver shoves Rodger's hat in his mouth)

Oliver: …peace…and quiet…

The ride comes to an end and Oliver gets off the ride feeling slightly disgusted.

Rodger: THAT WAS GREAT!

Oliver: You're weird…

Kitty: (runs up to them with stinky) wasn't that great!

Oliver: THAT WAS SICK!

Rodger: I wanna go on It's a Wrong World! (Points at a big warehouse that looks broken down.)

Oliver: oh no… I got a bad feeling about this one (is being pushed and dragged his way there)

They get in line and soon enough they all climb into the same boat

Oliver: you guys ever been on this ride?

Kitty: I have once, its pretty cool

Rodger: you'll have fun Oliver

The boat begins to move into the building and soon they hear singing.

(Song) It's a world of hoes; it's a world of queers. Full of perverts and things you don't want to hear. In this world that we share, it is time to be aware; it's a wrong world after all--! Its—a wrong—world after—all--. Its—a wrong—world after—all--. It's a wrong world after—all--, it's a wrong—world—after all!

Oliver: (starts screaming) OH MY GOD! GET ME OFF THIS! I CANT STAND THE MUSIC!

Rodger: relax! Just enjoy the scenery!

Stinky: yeah! It shows the main slums and ghettos in every region of the world!

Kitty: OOH LOOK! IT'S DETROIT!

Oliver: (looks over and sees a hobo pointing a gun at him)

Bum: here kitty-kitty-kitty, I know you know what I know…

Oliver: …that reminds me of someone I know…

Bum: the way the wind blows… nobody knows…

As the float down the stream, all of a sudden the boats in front of them stop and all the boats pile up.

Oliver: crap…

Overhead voice: sorry citizens, but our gang bangers are busy having a shanking contest. Pardon us while we put them back to work…

Oliver: huh?

Kitty: that's a fancy way of saying the ride is broke down somewhere…

Oliver: (looks to the left and sees a ghetto from Sesame Street) Woah! (Laughs)

A green bum monster pops out of a garbage can.

Oscar the Grouch: (foreign voice) ehh…this is what I get when I come to America…

Big Bird: (smells his breath) Phew, what you have fo' breakfast! Cat crap!

Oscar: vodka

Elmo: YO BOYS! DA TELEDRUGGIES AW COMING INTO OUR NEIGHBORHOOD!

(A.N.: Their names are Gay Gay, Poop, Dipstick, Stinky Twinkie; you can guess which ones their supposed to be)

Gay Gay: DIS IS OUR NEIGHBO'HOOD NOW! (Shooting Elmo)

Elmo: (giggling) bullets not supposed to go in there!

Gumby: (flipping the bird to everyone) KISS MY GHETTO!

Pokey: (mooning people)

(The ride begins to move again)

Oliver: I find this offensive

Kitty: I know! This ride IS fun!

(The boat turns around the corner and there's a big sign with how to say screw you in every language)

Rodger: heh heh…

Everyone gets off)

Oliver: I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!

Kitty: no this is the crappiest! You're thinking of Disneyland

Oliver!

Rodger: (leans over and whispers) this place is a knock off of Disneyland. You know, like Six Flags and Magic Mountain, they both have the same mascot

Oliver: Rodger, those are both owned by the same company

Rodger: (laughing and nudges Oliver) suuuure they are…

Brat: HEY LOOK MOMIE! FREAKS! (Points at all of Oliver's friends)

Mom: no Billy, those are Idiots

Stinky: aww…small children! (Kneels down to Billy) hello, I'm Stinky, what's your name?

Brat: Is this thing real? Or is it a suit? (Pokes Stinky's eye)

Stinky: (screaming and rolling around on the ground) OH GOSH! AHHHH WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR? AHHHHHH!

Rodger: you idiot, you're doing it wrong! (Bends down and snatches the little boy's autograph book) and what do you want me to put on this baby?

Brat: screw you mister-

Rodger: (writing it down) screw… you… mister… Love… Rodger! (Hands the book back to him) there you go!

Brat: (runs back to his mother screaming)

Oliver: screaming kids… I hate screaming kids…

Kitty: (screams) OH MY GAH' OH MY GAH' ITS MARY POPPINS! (Runs over to her and gives her a hug)

Rodger: (rolls eye and looks to his left, seeing the Mad Hatter) …DUDE!

Mad Hatter: no I'm not 'dude' I'm the Mad Hatter

Rodger: GIVE ME HUG! (Puts out his arms)

Mad Hatter: (shifty eyes) umm well umm… (Runs)

Rodger: NO WAIT I NEED A HUG FROM YOU SO BADLY (chases)

Stinky: well it looks like-(music comes on) …oh no

Mary Poppins: Your attention everyone! Please! We need you all to step back, and enjoy our dancing and singing, if you know the song, then please, do sing along… thank you

Chimney Sweeps come out and stand side by side.

Oliver: ah great, now we all gotta see em' sing and dance?

Kitty: come on Oliver, this is supposed to be fun!

Oliver: SCREW THAT! I wanna go over to the other amusement park and ride the Sky Scraper of Scare thing!

Kitty: oh my, that will be fun!

Stinky: yeah, leave Rodger behind and let's go after that ride!

(They leave Dusneyland and go to California Adventure; they soon get up to the line.)

Kitty: excuse me, how long will this ride take?

Man: 120 minutes little girl

Oliver: A HUNDRED AND TWENY MINETS? TO GET ON A PIECE OF CRAP RIDE?

Man: yuhhhh huh

Oliver: GAHH! I DON'T WANNA WAIT THAT LONG!

Man: then get a line hopper (points to a machine)

Oliver: screw that (gets in line)

Rodger: (about to walk in the library, if you been on the ride, then you know what im talking about.) hey guys!

Oliver: RODGER! LET US COME WITH YOU!

Rodger: well since you were so nice to come and find me… uhh ok!

Oliver: THANK YOU (jumps in front of everyone and walks into the library) …when did you get here?

Bellboy: thank you, we are preparing your rooms, until then have fun in the library

(the lights flash on and off and thunder rolls)

Bellboy: MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Oliver: AHHH! (Grabs on Stinky's head)

TV: (turns on by itself) about one hundred years ago, on a night just like the one you are about to witness, was an event so paranormal, it left everyone stunned… When a normal pair of people, stepped on a normal elevator, going to their normal room, in a normal hotel, on a normal night, at a normal hour-

Rodger: OK I THINK WE GET IT

TV: …Anyways, something, not normal happened that night… something… paranormal… thus making them enter a paranormal dimension of sight, a paranormal dimension of sound, a paranormal dimension of-

Rodger: GET ON WITH IT!

TV: …The Twilight zone (lights flash off and on as a man opens the door and they all step toward an old elevator door)

Kitty: woo this is so spooky and exciting! (The elevator opens up and they begin to walk in)

Oliver: (sits next to in between kitty and an old man)

Old Man: (about to fall asleep)

Kitty: WHEEE! (Raises her hands up)

Oliver: (Sniffing) …it smells of dirty socks and dish soap at the same time (gags)

(The lights turn off and they go back, shooting up to the top of the tower, about ready to fall)

Kitty: (puts her hand on Oliver's leg) AHHHH!

Old Man: (falls asleep on Oliver's shoulder, drooling all over his arm)

Oliver: WOOOO HOOO! (Puts his hands up)

Rodger: (posing for the picture) GET MY GOOD SIDE OR ELSE

Kitty: (digs her claws into Oliver's leg as the ride does down) EEKK!

Oliver: GAH! MY LEGS! LET GO!

Kitty: (screeches and claws on Oliver's face) HELP ME OLIVER HELP ME

Oliver: (his seat belt breaks and Oliver goes flying out of his seat, he hits the roof and lands on the Old man)

Old man: hey look! I found me one of dem' cuddle buddies! (Hugs Oliver)

Oliver: HELP! (Hangs on for his life)

Old Man: aww I love you too cuddle buddy!

Oliver: LET GO OF ME NOW OR IM GONNA KICK YOUR-

Old Man: HELP! HELP! SOMEONE'S TRYING TO ROB ME! (points at Oliver)

Oliver: what? NO! (The ride shuts down)

Security: (runs in and grabs Oliver and his friends)

Goofy: it's not nice to rob people! Uh-HUCK!

Donald: (talking in a strange accent so no one can understand him) WAA WAA WAAA WAAAAAAAAA!

Oliver: WHAT THE HELL? YOU CALL YOURSELVES SECURITY?

Richard Simons: Yeth we do, sew wot, you gona do thomthing about it…(rubbing his leg) …big boy?

Oliver: …(waves arms around) THROW ME OUT! THROW ME OUT!

(They get kicked out and cannot go back into California Adventure)

Everyone is staring at Oliver like they want to kill him

Stinky: way to go moron

Oliver: I'm… sorry guys

Kitty: we'll at least we haven't been kicked out of Dusneyland, lets go there instead anyways!

Stinky: well are we gonna go now or tomorrow?

Oliver: ehh, lets go tomorrow, I'm tired (everyone begins to walk to the hotel)

Stinky: …I wasn't serious about the tomorrow thing you know….

(to be continued… thanks for reading!)


	9. The New Girl In Town

(A.N.: Sorry for taking so long… had a family disaster)

(A couple days later…)

Rodger wakes up in his room, the song "Don't Worry Be Happy" is playing on his Ppod Stereo player. Everything seems to be happy, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, the homeless people are… homeless…ing (shifty eyes) ANYWAYS! Rodger walks downstairs.

"GOOD MORNING EVERYON-AHHH!!!" Rodger gets shocked by Oliver's frumpy face.

Oliver slowly eats from his cereal bowl…

"Aww don't tell me you're still angry about us getting kicked out of California Adventure AND Dusneyland are you?" Rodger sits at the table next to Stinky.

"WELL LETS RECAP ON WHAT HAPPENED!!" Oliver screamed.

(Flashback)

Rodger and Stinky dragged Oliver backstage in a hurry. "Come on Oliver this is gona be fun aren't you curious about what's back here?"

"NO WERE GONNA GET KICKED OUT AGAIN YA BUNCH OF MORONS!!"

Suddenly loud voices project from around the corner. Oliver investigates the source of the noise, "WHAT THE HELL?"

They stare in horror as the cast members set up for the upcoming parade. Off to the side they see Mickey or 'Michael Mousekavich' standing behind a podium decorated with a red communist star; talking to a crowd of robots. "Do you see what happens… when you ask… questions?!" Mickey slowly jestures his hand over to a pile of decapitated "It's a Wrong World puppets". All of the live puppets shiver in fear.

Oliver yells "THIS IS TERRIBLE!!" suddenly Stinky shoves Oliver off to the side; saving his life just before a tank rolls by with a banner hanging from the cannon barrel saying "Year of a Million Schemes". Oliver, Rodger, and Stinky are completely shocked as they witness the entire communist themed parade roll by. The first float shows a map with a bunch of markers representing Dusneyland resorts in various regions. Underneath the map, it says "Taking over the world, one Dusneyland at a time." The Pinocchio float rolls by after, with the puppets doing a Russian dance while being whipped by Stromboli. Ghepetto is knelt by his bed wishing upon a communist star. "Starlight, star bright, I wish I may I wish I might, have a higher paying job tonight…" The fairy floats down and screams "WE HAVE A THINKER!!" Ghepetto gets arrested by the 'Thought Police' and disappears without a trace. At the very end Mickey and Minnie are on their castle float being pulled by all the other Dusney characters. A banner hangs from the castle walls saying, "SOME DUSNEY CHARACTERS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS!"

(A.N.: I am a huge fan of Disneyland so don't mind me having a lil fun. - )

Rodger pulls out an American Flag and runs into the parade. "REVOLUCION!!" Oliver screams "Rodger you idiot! Stinky help me get him!" He looks around. "Stinky?" Stinky is on top of the castle float with Mickey. "Bow down before the power of Mickey!" The three get arrested for interrupting the parade.

(Back home)

Rodger and Stinky laugh. "Oh yeah!" Oliver huffs and crosses his arms angrily. Rodger and Stinky take out bowling balls and begin to juggle them. "Here! This will cheer you up!" Oliver backs away while they begin to inch closer. Stinky slips and one of the bowling balls hits Oliver in the face, knocking him out.

(Oliver in a coma for 2 months.)

Insanely anoying giggling wakes him up finally. He sits up and burps. "What happened?" Rodger looks down at him. "You were knocked out for two months! And you know what happens in the world of Animal Crossing when you're out for a long time! So we found a way to keep your house clean and feed you at the same time!"

Oliver's pupils get really small, "What are you talking about…?" He feels something moving on his lip. He grabs it and sees that it's a twitching roach leg. "…AHHHHHHHH!!!"

"We fed you one just incase you didn't like the taste… but you seemed to enjoy it while you were sleeping... so we fed you all of them!"

Oliver's head almost pops off from the surge of blood pressure as a direct result of his extreme anger. Oliver grabs Stinky by the scruff, "LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE EATING NOTHING BUT GARBAGE FOR 2 MONTHS!!!"

"What's so gross about that", Stinky asks.

"Yeah we're animals; we eat junk all the time…besides roaches are high in protein!" Roger pops one in his mouth and crunches away on it.

"…If you think that's normal then why were you guys laughing so much", Oliver asks.

Stinky and Roger answer simultaneously, "we used the pooper scooper to catch them and the plunger to force feed you"!

Oliver gets out his crowbar and chases them but trips over Patty while they run away. He gets up and realizes that the entire neighborhood is grazing on his lawn.

"GET OFF MY LAWN YA FREELOADERS!" Oliver turns around and steps in a huge cow pie. "GAH !!!...DAMN IT!"

Eloise walks by, "OH, sorry about that", skips off.

On his way to Ace Hardware to pick up an electric fence he runs into kitty.

"Hey Oliver, I heard about the accident"

"Did you hear about what else happened…?"

"Yeah I saw them feeding you the roaches and joined in, that was hilarious!"

"YOU DID WHAT NOW", Oliver screams.

Kitty blankly stares at Oliver. "Hmm!?...What?"

"You just said you fed me cockroaches"

"No I didn't"

"Yes you did"

"Did what?"

…"never mind" Oliver looks around. Wow, Doodaloo looks way different now.

"Yeah", says kitty, "while you were out they built a load of stuff". She tells him about how they recently built a Town Hall and added a café to the museum.

"Woo-hoo, now the already ludicrously-hyper citizens of Doodaloo can have caffeine overloads".

Kitty points at the roof, "HEY! There's Brewster from 'The Roost'. Oliver turns around and sees him reading a newspaper and grunting. Brewster looks down at Oliver, "AH-HEM! ….DO YOU MIND!?"

"YES, I DO!" Oliver waves a stick at the pigeon barista trying to make him fly away.

"YOU SUCK ALMOST ASMUCH AS THAT OTHER HUMAN", he then flies away.

Oliver asks kitty about what he means and Kitty nonchalantly mentions how when he was asleep a girl moved into Doodaloo.

"Another human moved here?! How come you didn't tell me sooner?"

Kitty looks around and calmly says "…Slipped my mind". Oliver can tell she must be jealous about this new girl. Thinking she must be really pretty and desperately needs to check her out, he throws a catnip ball off to the side and kitty tackles it; the catnip sends her into an unavoidable trance. As she rolls around on the ground clawing away at her toy Oliver bought in case of an emergency, he sneaks off to look for October.

(At her house)

Oliver knocks on the door and a brown eyed brunette answers. "Hi! My name is Oliver."

"Oh you must be the boy they were feeding roaches… I tried to stop them but they said you liked them."

"Yeah don't listen to them; they're a bunch of annoying freaks…" Oliver can't stop staring at her. "So… when did you move in?"

"About a few weeks ago, everyone seems to be nice here; I even got a job here!"

"Really? I have a job too, I work at Nooks. Don't buy anything from there; he cheats you out of your money. And he's a mobster, so you might want to stay away from him… I caught him peeping in my window. Oh and if you ever come over my house, there's a ghost watching TV, don't be afraid he used to be a weather man…" Oliver continues on about what happened to him ever since he moved there.

"Wow that's… nice…" October begins to back up, she then thinks to herself. "What the hell is wrong with this person?"

Oliver thinks to himself "Finally! Someone normal like me!!"

October holds up her apron, "well I'm late for work… ill see you… whenever." She closes the door and walks to the museum. Oliver decides to leave her alone for a moment, and buy some merchandise from Tom Nooks store. He buys a fake owl to scare away the pigeon, and a cattle prod to keep the cows away. He walks home and sets the fake owl on top of his roof, and screams at the cows while zapping them away from his yard. As Brewster fly's away from the fake owl in fear, Oliver chases him. "HEY!! GET BACK HERE, YOU PAINTED MY ROOF WHITE FROM ALL OF THE CRAP THAT LANDED ON IT!!" He throws a rock and it hits Brewster on the head. The bird flaps its way into the museum and into the café. Oliver follows closely behind, where he discovers that October works there… because he's stupid…

"Ohh-emmm-geee you work here?" Oliver sat at the bar.

"Umm… yeah!" October said.

Oliver pauses for a long time. "…So… how you doin?" His cell phone rings. "Hello?"

"Ol-iii-ber… yehhh… I LOOOBE CAHHT NIIP! WHEEEE!!!"

Oliver sits there, confused about who it is. It sounds exactly like October, but she's sitting right in front of him. "…Is this October?" October looks at Oliver confused. "I'm right here, Oliver, I'm not on the phone."

"Itts mee!! YOure… GIRLfriend? WAH-HOOO!!!"

Oliver looks at his phone and then at October. "…Kitty? I just now noticed that you and October sound exactly alike."

"Oh that ugly bii-ehhh-tch… you lobe her don't you? Its cause I'm furry, isn't it?"

"Watch your lingo, and I love you!" Oliver gets shifty eyes.

"You're dating a cat?" October looks disgusted.

Oliver freaks out and hangs up on kitty. "SHES NOT MY GIRLFRIEND SHES MY…. Pet! Er well… umm… Dating is such a common word…"

Suddenly Stinky peeks around the corner, "HEYYYY AUTUMN!!"

"It's 'October'…"

"…whatever…" He walks away. Oliver is too embarrassed to say anything.

October covers her mouth, "You are dating her."

Oliver runs out of the café "I GOTTA GO FEED MY PET ILL SEE YOU LATER!!" He dashes down the street and into his house. Whisp the Ghost is sitting on the couch like always. On the T.V. is 'Doug.'

(On the T.V.)

Rodger reads Doug's diary in front of everyone, revealing his secret crush on Mr. Dink.

Patty Mayonase turns to Doug with a disguisted look and says, "Eww, you like that creepy child molester?!"

"YOU BASTARD!!" Doug runs at Rodger but trips on a rock. He fly's toward him and his nose pokes Rodger eye out. Rodger goes to the hospital and wakes up the next day, which is April Fools Day.

"Ehh, my eye hurts… Ill get that big nosed loser." He looks at the table beside him and sees flowers and a card. "…Aww, 'From Doug.'" Rodger opens the card and reads:

"Sorry about your eye Rodger, I promise it will never happen again."

Suddenly, the card starts playing the Doug theme song, and an arm comes out of the card. Rodger just stares.

"BOOP-BOOP!" Doug's finger pokes out Rodger's other eye. The music on the song suddenly plays, "APRIL FOOLS ASSHOLE!!"

"EHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Oliver shakes his head. "You watch some of the weirdest crap." There's a knock at the door and Oliver answers. October steps inside. "What are you doing here?"

"I got off work early…" She has shifty eyes. "Oh and you left your cell phone there."

"Oh! Thanks can I have it back?"

"…So anyways, can I get a tour?"

Oliver stands there confused as to why she won't give it back. But he decides not to worry about it, and takes her upstairs to his bedroom.

Outside, in a well, Gracie pops out and begins to climb up it like Samora. She knocks on Oliver's door.

Oliver answers. "…Gracie?" He sees that she has hooks for hands. "AHHHHHH!!!"

"THANKS TO YOU THAT PSYCHO DID THIS TO ME!!! " She swings around her hooks and gets one stuck in the wall. While she does a poor attempt at getting unstuck Resetti pops out of the floor boards and screams at Oliver.

"RESETTI ALWAYS GETS HIS MAN!!!"

Oliver runs as fast as he can up the stairs and barricades his bedroom door with junk and turns around noticing that October is stealing every little thing she sees, even lint off the carpet.

"ITS MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!"

"Oh great", says Oliver, "a Kleptomaniac…" Gracie's hook suddenly bursts through the door right next to Oliver's ear. "AHHHHHHH."

Around the same time, Gracie's car bursts through the wall spinning in mid air, then Resetti lifts off the ground.

"BEHOLD THE POWER THE OFFICE GRANTED ME!!!" Resetti begins to float in mid air, he looks exactly the same as he does on the ground however his body ends where the dirt begins.

Stinky points and hides behind the bed. "I KNEW HE WAS A GENIE!!!" October and Oliver begin to float in bid air when she takes out a crow bar (which she stole from Oliver) and steals Gracie's Ghost Car. As she drives away Oliver cries for Whisp to come and help him.

"GET THEM OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!"

Gracie turns to Whisp and asks, "What the hell are you?"

Whisp responds, "Ever heard of a ghost?" He then farts and says "oops, not that kind of ghost heh heh…"

The fart blasts Resetti back underground through the floorboards and Gracie runs outside and falls down the well while screaming "MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!"

Oliver follows, "Gotta get rid of her for good…" He decides to improvise and notices Eloise is trying to graze on the lawn again. He grabs her and pushes her over the rim of the well. Gracie looks up and notices a gigantic butt is starting to eclipse the light coming down; at the same time she hears a sound like a giant boulder scraping against stone.

When Eloise is completely clogging the hole, Oliver wipes his sweat and hands Eloise a burrito. "Have at it fatty." He looks over at the house in shambles and commands Whisp to clean it up.

[To be continued…


	10. Black Friday

Black Friday

Sometime after beginning to rebuild the house, Rodger and Oliver near the completion of

Duck taping the house back together. The house somewhat resembles its former glory;

the only major problem is that it now leans at a 35 degree angle and sways a bit when

Small breezes blow by. Stinky sits by a tree eating a sandwich "coaching" their project.

"Yeah…It looks great guys", Stinky leans over to the side and lets out a huge fart.

"SHUT UP YOU MORON"! Oliver flips off Stinky and hoists the front door into

its place.

Rodger grabs a staple gun and turns to Oliver. "Ok buddy hold it still-NEE

DEEP"! He places the stapler to the desired spot and hits it with a stern slam. "Its

FINALLY FINISHED"!!! Just as Rodger exclaims this fact out loud to himself the

portion of the roof over his bedroom caves in. –"DANG YOU CURSED TOOLS OF

OFFICE MAX"!

"You loser". Oliver shakes his head. He then turns to Stinky and yells "HEY LAZY ASS! GET UP HERE AND RE-DO THE ROOF!! …LAZY ASS"!

"Alright, alright fine". He gets up and climbs on top of the roof, repairing it with Saran wrap instead. It actually, surprisingly works better than the duck tape.

"Um its kind of leaning…" Whisp tilts his head to the side. Oliver angrily kicks the house and it moves perfectly into place. "….For some reason, this reminds me of where I used to live…."

Flashback

Luigi walks around inside of a gigantic mansion, while wearing the poltergeist 3000, humming to the background music. "hee-ha-ha-ha-ho-hee-ha-hee-hum…. Hee-ha-ha-ha-ho-hee-oh-hee-hum…" Suddenly Whisp pops out of nowhere "HOW-DEE-DOO-DEE"!?

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

back to 'reality'

Whisp shivers…

"Man there's nothing to do in this stupid town…" Oliver sighs and crosses his arms.

"Sure there is buddy! Have you ever screwed around with the town bulletin board?" Stinky jumped off the roof.

"…No"

"Alright lets go then!" Stinky Rodger and Oliver head down the road to the Town Hall.

"Alright, now what do we do?" Oliver asked.

"We mess with people. Stinky, go get my cat box and bury it near Tom Nooks!" Rodger grabbed a marker and began to write as Stinky ran off.

Note on Board:

Hey everyone! I buried something really special near Tom Nooks place! Hurry before it's gone!

"…Whats so funny about that? THAT'S SICK"!!

"Eloise is the only one who looks for stuff because she can't afford to buy anything. I think of it as funny, she thinks it's a gold mine"!

"Oh ok, here give me that marker." Oliver takes the marker and writes:

HEY IDIOTS!! I THREW A CHOCOLATE BAR INTO THE OCEAN! HURRY BEFORE THE SHARKS GET IT!!

Oliver laughed and made a not to self to dump a bunch of chum into the ocean by the end of the day.

"Wait a minute, whats this?" Rodger reads a note. "HEY YA CHEAPSKATES! Black Friday is tonight, be sure to get in line early for the incredibly low prices and deals we have… These deals are so HUGE they make Wendell look like he's on a diet!!" Rodger turned to Oliver and asked, "Hey Oliver, you gonna wait in line at 12 until 5 a.m. to get great deals on Christmas presents? I know you didn't get anything for your girlfriend…"

"Yeah I should, shouldn't I? I wonder what I should get her…. Oh I know! A collar!"

"What? Is she your pet?"

"…shut up… it'll look nice! Besides I don't want the pound to pick her up." He stuck out his tongue.

"Alright well dress warm because its going to be freezing."

"I WANNA COME TOO!!" Stinky screamed.

"Yeah! We'll all go." Rodger smiled, he looked over to his left and saw people already setting up camp in front of Tom Nooks. "Whoa! Looks like we should get in line soon, I can tell this day is going to be a crazy one. You know what, you guys go set up a tent and ill go get some tasks done." Rodger took off leaving the real work up to Stinky and Oliver. Oliver didn't mind so he and Stinky walked over in line and sat on the ground.

"What time is it?" Stinky asked.

Oliver looked at his watch and sighed, "Its only 1 p.m. what a way to spend Thanks Giving…"

"Were'nt you supposed to spend it with Kitty?"

"…oh crap-GOTTARUNSORRYSTINKYBUTIHAVETOGOSEEKITTYBYE" Oliver zoomed down the road to Kitty's house. He knocked on her door nervously.

Kitty opened the door and gave Oliver a hug. "Hi Oliver! Glad you came, come on in!"

"Heh, so what's cookin…?"

"Well lets see, I have meow mix casserole, hamster hash, rat pudding, perch pie, birdy beak bread…" Oliver spaces out while forcing a smile at all the disgusting things she had for them to eat. He glances next door and sees the pizza man delivering four boxes of pizzas to Eloise's. Eloise grabs the pizza man and swallows him whole, belches loudly, and then picks up the pizza boxes. "MOM THE APPETIZER HAS ARRIVED!!" she yelled while slamming the door. Oliver thought about calling 911 but Booker was killed by Resetti and Copper is too busy attending 'a spay and neuter your house plants awareness meeting'.

"…and milk to drink!"

"…joy… Is there Turkey?"

"…No Oliver, I told you, we're having Blue Jay instead since I couldn't find any wild turkeys around here."

"Oh… blue jay… exciting…" Oliver sat down at the table and slammed his head against it. The smell of all those cooked things made his stomach hurt. Kitty lifted his head off the table. "Don't do that." She gave him his food and sat across from him. Oliver looked at his plate and pushed it away an inch. He looked to his left and in a wine glass was a can of Fancy Feast. Oliver grabbed it and poked at it with his fork. The glass starts to ring and Kitty's ears perk.

"…hmm?"

"Don't ring the glass, it means dinner is ready."

"…but dinner is ready."

"DON'T RING IT DAMN IT"

"…ok…" Oliver looks out the window and sees Stinky rubbing his face against the glass.

"DINNERS READY!?" Stinky shouts. Oliver puts his finger to his lips, telling Stinky to be quiet. "…Kitty can you please get me some more blue jay?"

"Sure!" She happily skips away to the kitchen. Oliver races to the window and lets Stinky in, he shoves him under the table and sits back down. Kitty returns with more blue jay and puts it on Oliver's plate. She sits back down and continues to eat.

"So I bought some skim milk, candles and cat nip for a romantic evening together tonight Oliver…"

"Uh huh…" Oliver, not paying attention to her words, shoves the hamster hash down Stinky's throat.

"CKKCKKC…MMM!! This is good stuff Oliver!"

Kitty stares at Oliver and Oliver has shifty eyes. "sorry I…. talk to myself sometimes when… its… EXTRA DELICIOUS!!!" Oliver cracked a smile.

"…Anyways. I want tonight to be extra special…"

"Sure ok" Oliver continues to shove food into Stinky's mouth while Kitty isn't looking. Stinky whispers "Wait Oliver, I cant eat perch, it gives me gas…" Oliver shoved the fish into Stinky's mouth anyways.

"I got some romantic music too, we can dance together." Kitty holds up kitty dumpster moonlight music.

"Hey yeah you're right…" Oliver says just before Stinky farts loudly. Kitty's eyes go wide and stares at Oliver horrified.

"….umm… Sorry but Bird gives me gas…"

"Aww… you ate it anyways for me didn't you?

"Yeah… too bad I'm REALLY FULL now…"

"You are? Aww well I guess ill just throw away the chocolate cake, pecan pie, and ice cream I was saving for you." She picks up the desserts over hidden in the corner and shoves them down the garbage shoot.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Oliver dies inside a little. Kitty walks to him "Lets go have that romantic evening…"

"…What? What romantic evening?"

"….the one I was just talking about…"

Oliver has shifty eyes "…..oh-OHHHHH I thought you were… uhh referring to something else!"

"No, now lets go."

"Wait wait… I have to go get in line at Tom Nooks to get you a present."

"It can wait."

"No it cant! Black Friday starts at 6 a.m. and I have to get in a huge line! …Just for you!" Oliver got up and backed to the door.

"But-"

"-AND IM GONNA WAIT FOR HOURS… CAUSE THE PRESENT I WANNA GET YOU IS REALLY POPULAR… AND I HAVE TO STAND IN THE FREEZING COLD…"

"Well when you put it that way-"

"GOOD! BYE!" He kisses her and dashes out the door, Stinky follows close behind with a bowl of Fancy Feast. They both run to Tom Nooks and see that the line stretches all the way around the building. Oliver curses to himself and gets to the back of the line. "Way to go ya moron!" He slaps Stinky on the back of the head. "You lost our place in line."

"Its not my fault I heard dinner calling."

Oliver sighs and begins to shiver, Rodger walks up to them. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!? WHY ARE WE BACK HERE!?"

Oliver points to Stinky, Rodger slaps Stinky on the back of the head. They hear a bicycle horn honk and turn around. Eloise rides up on a bicycle towing a hot dog stand behind her.

"Oh god" Oliver angrily said. Eloise began to set up the hot dog stand. Oliver turned to her and watched. "Hey! Good idea Eloise! Sell food to people in line!"

"Are you kidding? This is a snack!" She placed a dozen hot dogs onto the grill. Oliver turns away still shivering from the cold, "Whatever, chow down chubby."

Oliver's stomach growled. "I'm hungry guys…"

"I wish we had popcorn…" Stinky sighed.

"Yeah and chips!" Rodger said happily.

Oliver quoted a very famous T.V. show "…and fried oyster skins!"

Eloise's body fat rippled with rage. "THERES NO SUCH THING AS FRIED OYSTER SKINS!!"

All three of them stare at her like she's a disgusting moron, and not because she just ate three lbs of hot dogs.

Eloise squirts some mayonnaise into her mouth and takes a bite of hot dog. "I'm sorry, I'm taking a course at the Doodaloo J.C. to become a chief so I know everything about food. I'm quite an expert."

Rodger disgustedly looks at her, "we can tell"!

Eloise smartly looks at them. "Normal people annoy me who don't know as much things as I do about food".

Oliver wipes half a hot dog that flew out of her mouth off his cheek and gives her a sarcastic look. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE WHEN I NEEDED YOU? OH MY GOD IT TAKES A GENIOUS LIKE YOU TO FIGURE SOMETHING AS COMPLICATED AT THAT OUT. HERE… HERES SPONGEBOBS NUMBER, CALL HIM LATER HE'D LIKE TO KNOW YOUR TAKE ON STEAMED CORAL." He turns away, zips up his jacket and puts on his hood. "…asshole."

"Jeeze Oliver…" Rodger looks back at Eloise; she continues to stuff her face as if she heard nothing that Oliver yelled at her.

"I can't believe were gonna be stuck next to this moron all night."

A Surprise guest turns around, it's Jerry Seinfeld. "And you're never gonna believe this! I'm standing in line for good prices on skittles!! They're half off!! I can buy two for onnnneee!! Somebody stole my chicken tenderrrrsss!! MY POULTRYYYYY… MY TENDERRRRSS!!!"

"LORD…. HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL" Oliver screamed.

As everyone is continuously bumping into each other, Oliver eye catches contact to Lyle the con-artist. Lyle stares hungrily at Oliver's fat wallet. He shuffles his way to Oliver and holds up his briefcase.

"How you doin friend?"

"Don't... touch me."

"Oh I get it, you wanna be mean to me huh? YOURE BUSTIN MY CHOPS KID!! Ehem, anyways, right when I looked at you I could tell you were smarter than the others. I'm here to sell you something that will change your life."

"beat it gramps"

"….YOURE BUSTIN MY CHOPS KID!! …ehem, now you have plans for the future? Right? Right everyone has them, got a girlfriend? Right, right sure you do. Gonna have kids? Right, right sure ya are. IF YOU HAVE ARMAGEDDON INSURANCE!!"

"….what?"

"Armageddon insurance kid, you gotta be prepared. What if it happens and BOOM! Ya need it?"

"Armageddon is the end of the world buddy, you don't need insurance for that."

"But what if its not, hmm?"

"Then I'm kick'n your ass! Now get lost."

"Listen, when you have a family, you have a lot of responsibilities. You're number one responsibility is to make sure your family is protected. What happens if it does happen, and you don't have a home to live in and you have to fight hobos for garbage cans?"

"Look, if you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna shove that briefcase right up your-"

"What that? Need ass insurance? What if it happens to you kid, then BOOM you need ass insurance."

"That's it give me that" Oliver grabs the briefcase and hits Lyle in the face, knocking him out. "Jeeze this case is heavy, what's it filled with?" He opens the case and its filled with big rocks. "….loser." He drops the case on Lyle's face. Lyle shakes and says "…bustin my chops… 3000 bells…"

"I cant stand these morons, what time is it?"

"…8:00" Stinky answered.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Only 9 more hours to go!"

"GAHHHHHHH"

Jerry Seinfeld turns around "And you're not gonna believe this! I almost burnt down my apartment while making noodles. You cook the noodles in waterrrrrr. How is that possibllleee???"

Oliver glares at him, Jerry turns around. Oliver angrily stuffs his face in his own jacket and falls asleep while standing up. Random people walk by and write graffiti all over him. He wakes up several hours later finding out that the store opened while he was asleep.

"DAMN IT PEOPLE WHY COULDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP." He angrily shoves his way through the crowd of people, grabbing things out of their carts and kicking little kids over. He grabs a pink cat collar and throws all of the random crap he got onto the pile. The cashier begins to scan the items, she talks to him in a monotone voice. "Did you find everything you need sir? That'll be 30,000 bells please." Oliver shoves the money in her face, grabs the bag and knocks over a candy stand. "Have a nice day."

"ILL HAVE A NICE DAY ALRIGHT!!" Oliver screamed. Rodger runs up to Oliver and puts his paw on his shoulder. "Hey Oliver, I know you're mad for us leaving you behind, so I got you this hammer to vent your anger with."

"Thanks, jerk, now where's Stinky?"

"He's in the Polish Puppet Store over there."

"A Puppet store? I wanna go see." Oliver walks across the way and into the puppet store. There's a bunch of creative little puppets inside, Oliver cant help but pick them up.

"DON'T PLAY WITH THE PUPPETS!!!" the old man screamed.

"I'm not."

"PUT IT DOWN."

"I have money…"

"PUT DOWN THE PUPPET."

"Why?"

"DON'T PLAY WITH THE PUPPETS!!"

Oliver's face turns dark red from all the bottled up anger. "IM IN A FCKIN PUPPET STORE, WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE PUPPETS!?"

"YOU BREAK IT, YOU BUY IT KID!!"

"Oliver leans over the counter and snarls "…FIIIIIIINNNNNEEEE." Oliver sees an

antique, hand crafted old puppet on the table in front of him. He takes out his hammer, and smashes it to bits, then throws money in the old mans face, and walks out. "I BROKE IT, I BOUGHT IT." Oliver storms home to wrap up the random gifts, followed closely by Rodger and Stinky.


End file.
